Did you know?
Ever since that day, I don’t wear watches anymore. It seemed the practical thing to do, wearing one would have driven me insane. Staring as the seconds tick by without you in sight, my eyes frantically deciding whether to speed time up or slow it down. Speed it up so that the agony of waiting won’t be crushing me or slowing it down so I can collect my thoughts, finally knowing the right thing to say. If only I had the power to manipulate time, then I wouldn’t need to wait. But I don’t have that power.
Don’t go. Stay.
Three words that I failed to say the last time we were standing under our oak tree. Hands in our pockets, our breaths turn to white smoke before disappearing, I barely heard the words you said. They were like shards of glass that hung in the air, if I grasped them, I would bleed. I couldn’t even look you in the eye, I knew if I did the tears would come. And I didn’t want you to see that, I didn’t want you to know you were my weakness as well as my source of strength. At that moment, the only thing that kept me standing was my pride.
When you held out your hand, my mind was already screaming at me to hold on to you and never let you go. But I just stood there, staring at the ground.
Will you wait for me?
You asked me with that smile that warmed me like the summer sun. I looked into your chocolate brown eyes and knew that there was no turning back from today. We’ve reached the point of no return, and I asked myself, had I just lost you? The only thing I could do was give a feeble nod. You smiled at me again, I heard my heart break. You closed the gap between us, and all I breathed in was you. Then you did the most amazing thing – you placed your hands inside my coat pockets and found my hands. With our fingers intertwined and our eyes locked, you leaning into me, we stayed that way for a moment. Then suddenly cold tears were burning my eyes, and no matter how hard I squint you were no longer there with me.
Don’t go. Stay.
I lay awake at night trying to imagine what would have happened if I had said the words, if I had insisted on what I wanted and not on what I thought was best for us. Would you have smiled with relief and hugged me? Would you have promised me that everything will be all right and really mean it? Would you still be here with me?
It’s been almost three years since that day, and the wind’s getting chilly. This morning like in the past two years, I would make my way to the park and find our spot, the oak tree that shared our secret. Believing that this day, you’ll come back, and your hands will warm my hands again.
. I think that in some parts it is true, and we experience bitterness, doubt, and cynicism for a period of time but the beauty of life is that every time we fall down we get the chance to find out what stuff we’re made of, and emerge stronger and a little wiser.
