The Quiet World

Isn’t this just the sweetest? Too bad she used up all her words…
In an effort to get people to look
into each other’s eyes more,
and also to appease the mutes,
the government has decided
to allot each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.

When the phone rings, I put it to my ear
without saying hello. In the restaurant
I point at chicken noodle soup.
I am adjusting well to the new way.

Late at night, I call my long distance lover,
proudly say I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn’t respond,
I know she’s used up all her words,
so I slowly whisper I love you
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.

–Jeffrey McDaniel

I’m Not Alright

I love to read creative people’s blogs, like hers, hers, hers, hers and a bit of his. Through the powerful force of linking I came upon HER BLOG, where she shared this song in this post:

If weakness is a wound
That no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth, I need to confess

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I’m open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
Cause honestly, I’m not that strong

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you

And I move, and I move, and I move…closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move…closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move…closer to you
And I move, and I move, and I move…

I’m not alright
I’m broken inside, broken inside
broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
Leads me to you, leads me to you

I’m not alright, I’m not alright, I’m not alright…that’s why I need you
–Sanctus Real

And really, I can say that I’m not alright, that’s why I need You. I can never be OK without Him, sometimes I think of what-ifs and I shudder at the thought. Knowing who I was, where I had been and who I would have become without Him scares me.

But there are moments when I feel strong, that I can take the world on, and when everything falls apart I become aware of my pride. I realise it too late though. I don’t want that feeling of independence from God, and so my prayer is that I’ll always be broken before Him and remember all the wonderful things He has done.

 

5 Things I’ve Been Really Bad At

MUSIC: Lost, Coldplay

There are tons of stuff that I know I cannot do, like juggling, matchmaking, keeping a straight face when trying to surprise someone, feigning concern when I’m really apathetic, acquiring a taste for curry, and a lot more!

But of late, I seem to be pretty bad about certain things to the point that it bothers me! I pinpointed some very disturbing facts and will do something about it this week. That’s why I’m blogging these, to make changes in my life:

  

5. Remembering (Chinese) Names. During Camp Phenomena, while waiting for her and her to finish showering, a girl called out my name. For a brief moment I was trying to dig from my temporal lobes trying to conjure her name, I wracked my brains out - nada. I couldn’t even place her face…and I tend to remember faces well. She could tell that I didn’t have an ounce of recognition by the startled look on my face, I apologised for my lapse in memory, and asked if she was going by a Chinese name, and she said yes. She introduced herself again, she said that she knows me from somewhere, from where she also couldn’t say.

The sad part is, I can’t store Chinese names pretty well, I need to be around you for a couple of days before it is permanently embedded in my memory. Either that, or we must share a very humiliating experience for me to remember you!

4. Writing replies to snail mail pals. OK, this is very bad… I haven’t replied to letters as far as one month back! The chief reason? Just look at item #2.

I have accumulated 13 letters, which is equivalent to approximately 36010.797 miles (Singapore - Italy, Chile, 3 US Cities, Ireland and UK, I got tired counting so it should be more, like Canada and California!), $14.30 in postage, 13 hours of stationery making and letter writing and another 12-14 days of waiting for my letter to reach them!

3. Loving people who have broken my trust. I have learned that trust is the most important thing in any relationship. When I was in my late teens, I valued the trust that my parents had in me, that’s what kept me making the right decisions, I didn’t want to violate that trust.

I find it difficult to restore the trust I have in a person once that trust is broken, even if they meant to or not. There will always be that incident, that smile, that concealed whisper that will lodge itself into my memory and I can never treat the person the same way again - EVER.

Because of this, I have drifted away from friends who have meant the world to me, and it saddens us both, because no matter what s/he does to bring back what was lost, and no matter how I try to be open, some things can never be recovered.

I am glad that being a Christian, I can find strength to forgive, to be cleansed away from bad memories, betrayal and resentment. But I’m praying for love to flood me, and that love to flow through all my relationships.

2. Waking Up Early. This takes second spot, I realize that some of my plans never come into fruition because of my weird sleeping habits. I know what’s right for me, but I still keep pushing myself and see if I can survive in few hours of sleep - a dumb move, still I do it.

Although this week started out terrible, waking up past noon, I want to finish a few projects this week and take advantage of daylight! I need to become a good steward of my time!

1. Keeping Promises. I am not good at keeping promises to other people and especially to myself. Making lists and good intentions can be OK but only to a certain extent, I think this post title should be changed to Better Said Than Done since I know things I ought to do but do the exact opposite of what’s expected.

I rarely make promises to others, but I abuse myself too much. This week I have made a big STUFF list of things that I want to accomplish during this season of waiting, and I want to slash 1/3 from the list before this week ends. I don’t want it to be another of those broken promises I made to myself.

We shall see by Saturday if I really made changes, progress reports will be up soon!

So what about you? What have you been bad at lately? Comments are very much welcome!

Credits:

DeviantArt Images - Letters

DeviantArt Images - Trust

DeviantArt Images - Promise

Just Because I Love To Share Nice Stuff

This is gonna be a Boyce Avenue video post, too bad I can’t buy from iTunes!   Lately, I’ve been into indiefunk and a little bit of screamo, but now, I’m back to acoustic covers. This group is worth checking out:

Tattoo, No One, Where is the Love

Take You There

Beautiful Girls, Stand by me

Can’t get enough of them? Check the following sites:

MySpace 

Official Website

Hope the week is turning out MIGHTY FINE!

Love.Love.Love

Elle

QUIRKOLOGY

MUSIC: Metal Heart, Cat Power

I can’t believe I finished this book in ONE SITTING!

All 271 info-rich pages! I have always been fascinated by human behaviour and this book by Richard Wiseman, is full of the stuff  of our everyday lives.

I enjoyed it like the way I enjoyed reading Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink and The Tipping Point. Maybe I should be a psychologist/anthropologist/sociologist?

This book also mentions Dacher Keltner! The UC-Berkeley professor that I tune in to most of the time.

Here are some stuff that I learned from this book:

• people would rather wear a sweater that has been dunked in dog feces and unwashed than wear a washed sweater worn by someone with AIDS or a convicted death row inmate (!)
• the art of deception: a few clues on how to know if a person is lying or not…READ THE BOOK, I’m not telling!
• how to distinguish a fake smile from a genuine smile, but since I took this test, I already can tell that if a person’s outer orbicularis muscle doesn’t contract then he’s giving me a polite-camera-fake smile.
• your surname can influence your career path, even startling, your initials determine your quality of life!
• jokes are funny if it gives us an air of superiority

And a whole lot more stuff, which may be worthless pieces of information for others but this really intrigues me a lot.

Anyway, this is a good read if you want to strike up interesting conversations at boring dinner parties or awkward moments with a new acquaintance.

Plus… I made a set for the perfect sunny day:

Protected: Looking for My Slippers

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Through Fire and Flood

 

 

“…We went through fire and flood,

      but You brought us to a place of great abundance.”

Psalm 66:12

The underlined phrase describes exactly what I am going through right now. At first, reading the passage didn’t really register something noteworthy to me, except for the fact that after going through fire and flood, God will bring me to a place of great abundance. I so want to be there!

During my quiet time, God led me to the words through fire and flood, which made me think, surely God is not a sadistic person to make us go through these things for nothing. Even Jesus said that believers will go through trials, and James said that the testing of our faith produces perseverance.

So I asked God, “WHY? Though I can’t understand most of the things that are going on in my life right now, can you please explain to me this part of this verse?”.

Taking a pen and an index card, I wrote the words fire and flood, and waited:

FIRE: When metals go through the fire, impurities are removed from it. Fire purifies, so what does that have to do with me? Being pure means without mixture - that’s what integrity is about. Going through FIRE will make me refined in my walk with Him.

FLOOD: Now this one was very tough for me to understand. A question popped in to my mind, “What happens in a flood?”.

Thinking about it I answered, it clears away unstable things. Floods sweep away anything that is not strong enough to withstand its force.

Which led me to the story that Jesus told about the wise and foolish builders (Matthew 7:24-27), by building a stronger foundation no matter how the rain poured and the winds blew the house will still remain standing. When a flood comes it clears away stuff that are weak, and after a flood we begin to be wise on what will hold up, and we also strengthen/reinforce the stuff that have remained.

As a believer, I can choose to build my foundation strong and stable, so when the flood comes, I will stand steadfast with faith.

Understanding through fire and flood gave more insight on the next part of the verse on great abundance. Going through fire and flood prepares me to receive a great blessing from God!

Of course the prospect of going through fire and flood is not really very appealing, but once again, I am reminded of what God had said through Isaiah:

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. When you pass through the rivers, they will not flow over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned. The fire will not destroy you.

Notice it says WHEN and not IF , yet I still have the assurance that God indeed will be with me!

IMAGE CREDITS:

DeviantArt Drowning

DeviantArt Fire

23 by 20 // I Was Once Told

Music: I’m Not Crying, Flight of the Conchords 

 EDIT: This is just a scrap of the first poem I am writing for the 23 by 20 project. The inspiration came while I was packing up the vacuum cleaner, the phrase “Truth is shared reality” just entered my mind and I wondered where I had heard it from. For more information on this project click here.

Someone once told me, “Truth is shared reality”

And I began to wonder,

the implication of what he revealed.

If everything below the clouds was truth,

how beautifully ugly it was.

And beyond the Sun, lies the freedom of insanity.

Lies making up my bed at night

For how long, I can never quite recall.

Everything is held together by interlocking pins,

for safety, for nothingness, for meaning, for life.

 

Image Credits:

Flickr

 

 

Dinner @ Ajisen

Music: Take You There, Boyce Avenue

BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE:

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO BRO EDMUND, SIS JIA HUI AND NICOLE

I feel so blessed to be part of the ET Zone family. I have learnt a lot from this zone, both spiritual and pratical sides. May God reward you richly for your faith, the sacrifice and the love that you poured out on all our lives!

The Call - Regina Spektor

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
Til it was a battle cry

I’ll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything’s changing
Doesn’t mean it’s never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You’ll come back
When it’s over
No need to say good bye

You’ll come back
When it’s over
No need to say good bye..

Now we’re back to the beginning
It’s just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can’t feel it too
Doesn’t mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Til they’re before your eyes

You’ll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

You’ll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye..

Another new favourite from one of the female singers I admire. This song was playing at the last scene of The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian.

This song can really move you to tears, I know I am when I listen to it.

23 by 20 //01

Music: Where We Went Wrong, The Hush Sound

We set the wrong course and headed due north
That’s where we went wrong
We were young and learning steady hearts hate turning
That’s where we went wrong

 

 

A few days ago, I embarked on a project, this link will explain what I intend to finish before my birthday. I am feeling pretty good about this because I have started on the right foot. Collecting ideas and images to go along with the project.

I have also been working on a song which I want to put up here because it’s been awhile since I have recorded anything.

My health has not improved since Saturday and I am putting myself up for bed rest tomorrow. My body is sore, I have a runny nose and my throat itches so bad, what’s worse is that if I cough I can feel something on top of my chest and I taste blood.

Rest and prayers!

Love.Love.Love.

Elle

Sunday in Pictures!

Music: Better Together, Jack Johnson

After a great Father’s Day Weekend Service, we all headed down to Clarke Quay to grab a quick lunch and proceed to the post-Camp Phenomena meeting.

At this point, I’d like to thank BIRDIE, EVANN and NAT for taking care of me when I had to vomit twice during the whole meeting. I know it wasn’t a pretty sight nor was it really appealing to your ears/nose but thanks nonetheless!

And now…pictures!

 

 

 

 

 

Father’s Day

 

The 15-second Father’s Day surprise:

 The acceptance pose…the signature Papa pose……THE END!

We woke him up from his peaceful slumber just to wish him a Happy Father’s Day.

Through the years although he has been very far from us, he has provided well for us. He has never really been there through everything and I know that our stay here in Singapore has been the time to make up for all the moments that we missed.

I really thank God for my Dad. For the change that we have seen in him. We used to call him Dick from Dictator, which he was before. He was the type of Dad whose word is law and no one ever dared to break it. Grim-faced and strict that’s how we remembered him before.

Now, our Papa has mellowed down a bit. He likes to joke a lot and talk a lot! Mama always says that the peace of the house is disturbed once Papa is home as he talks and talks and talks! He makes us laugh with his signature moves (shaky leg and the chicken little dance), makes odd but funny quips (the quotable quotes), ends his phone calls with “I love you, anak“, and most importantly he says SORRY and asks for a hug  when he knows he has offended us.

However strict he was then, we could see his spiritual hunger and love for God. Through him and Mama’s lives we saw what it meant to walk by faith, to put God first in everything and to trust God no matter what.

Because to me, the most powerful moments that I have seen him in were the moments that…

he would never hesitate to humble himself and kneel before God…

he would lift his hands and really cry before God, tears streaming down his face…

he knelt before me and asked for my forgiveness, when I was born my Dad couldn’t accept the fact that his firstborn was a girl. He thought that God told him that his firstborn will be a son, and since I came out, he interpreted my birth as the retribution for his past sins. When I was born, he was in Saudi Arabia, when he got the call about my gender, his first response wasn’t of joy but, “Why is it a GIRL?”. Although they told me about this when I was reaching puberty, I had always felt that I wasn’t accepted by my father by the way he treated me compared to my other siblings. Learning of the reaction he had of my birth deeply hurt me. It will be a few years before he would kneel before me and ask me for forgiveness.

God has worked great changes in my Dad and I know I am who I am today, my faith is what it is today through the example that my Dad has shown me.

They say that earthly fathers reflect how our Heavenly Father, and it has been easier for me to view God as a loving Father who is good all the time because of how my Dad treats me.

{LISTEN}

 

 

COMING SOON

POST CAMP PHENOMENA ENTRY 03

 WARNING: LONG ENTRY AHEAD

This is as honest as I can get right now…

Going to Camp, I had a very heavy heart, because I knew that I had to make another round of painful decisions. I didn’t want to be the wet blanket  so I concealed whatever I felt, and pretended that everything is OK.

The great thing about being an expert at hiding your feelings is that you can even fool yourself. I have been dealing with a series of issues that I can’t explain fully right now.

Another issue crept up during Camp, something that I was very surprised at. It left me wanting to bang my head against a wall! I thought I was over with that phase already, apparently not.

For me there was never a question of stepping out and/or rising up. It was never that question. Because I grew up in Church, my parents were pastors for awhile, I was steeped in the Bible ever since I was young - and with that a love for God grew.

POST- CAMP PHENOMENA ENTRY 02

 

This entry is solely dedicated to the people who have made my first CHC camp so memorable.

Evann and I were supposed to be in Zebulun, however, due to some very LAST MINUTE changes, we discovered that we were to be in Benjamin. When the groups were supposed to converge at Hong Lin Park to create the team identification (flags, cheers etc…) Evann decided to look at the list of group members that were projected on the screen…lo and behold our names were not on Zebulun.

We had a flurry of panic and confusion as we didn’t know where we would go. We finally found out that we now belonged to Benjamin, but we had no clue where the group was. We were teamless for about five minutes, and then Xiao Li helped us to be acquainted with our TL.

We never really bonded with our new group at all, but we were relieved that we knew a few people (same subzone) which helped ease the awkward feeling when you meet new people.

Being put in trying situations really forces a bond to develop between members. It wasn’t really about winning but making the camp as enjoyable and fun.We had to do the forfeit during the first day because we were late in reaching the stadium, what’s funny is that we enjoyed it!Getting through station games, supporting each other, being cool about everything.

Speaking of being cool, the Orange house team leaders were very cool. Reading from other zone members’ blogs, I could tell that all of the groups really didn’t have time to prepare for the drama. Everything was so impromptu, the only time we had practised was the few minutes before performance. And some parts of the performance were made up on the spot, I think you could tell by the lost look in our faces!

Anyway, to Evann, Wilma, Belle, Lao Da, Vera, Boon Ming, Donnie, Stan, Gladwin, Lewin, Ian, Aaron, Sze Wing, Stephen, and Oppa Roy thanks for making Camp Phenomena so awesome!

Big thanks for the leaders of our team who led us to victory - Vincent and Hikaru!

And now, as promised, more pictures:

Uh, I think I took a very unflattering picture of Stephen!

 

Pics with Vincent, Hirkaru and Wendy.

  

I have no clue what we’re doing here….

The Ben girls with Huitong!

The Person is Ugly! I’ll definitely miss you Lao Da!

Too bad you stay in JW!

 

My dear Birdie!!

 

Joel, Birdie, Elle

Elle, Clem, Debbie

Me and Hanyong!

 

 

{AHEM}

Excuse me for a moment, I need to pick up the pieces while you’re here.

Too Sick To Blog

I thought I was OK. It seems like it takes a day or two for my symptoms  to be in full bloom. I have two post- CAMP PHENOMENA entries in the works, but I have no energy to tweak them.

My whole body has gone haywire, the lethargy just crept in. Anyway, suffice to say that I am feeling terribly unwell.

And so these entries need to wait till further notice.

Will need to drop by Tampines later though, I’m gonna bring Aiden for the CG for non-campers at CK’s house and also drop off Melvin’s birthday card (created in less than five minutes!) and gift.

I seriously wonder where I get my strength from, I was pratically bedridden for two days.

God give me strength, sustain me…keep me in divine health. Amen.

Talk to you guys soon!

Love.Love.Love

Elle

 

POST-CAMP PHENOMENA ENTRY 01

Just came back from this awesome camp, from the awesome ZS!

First of all, my body is aching all over and my voice is virtually gone. Once I reached home at about 11:45am, I ended up sleeping until 9pm, which is very rare for me.

BUT first… HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO BROTHER EDMUND AND SIS JIA HUI! So blessed to be in your zone!

I really enjoyed camp on the whole. Our team, Benjamin, won the Best Team (applause!) and our House - ORANGE (with Dan) won the Best House (double applause!). We never thought we would win while we were playing the station games as the first day we only won 3 out of the 6 games.

BTW, I checked myself and decided that for everyone’s benefit and so that I won’t be foolish, I’d rather not play in the stations where I am exposed to the sun or where running is involved. Great plan and it worked too. No fainting and ambulance sirens!

But for the second day, I managed to muster enough strength to play all the station games! And we won all the station games that day. The MOST FUN game was the Classroom Maze with all the icky smelling stuff. At one point though I had to lift the maze carton walls so that I could breathe as we were stuck inside, but I think we made it out in record time.

and some pictures!

The school:

 

The first morning…brr…cold!

Our team identification, hot pink on right leg!

My teammates:

 

 

The un-glam morning after!

More pictures and thoughts to follow! Right now I have to get me some shut-eye. Oh man, that’s like, really bad English.

Haha..

See ya!

Love.Love.Love.

Elle

23 By 20

 

 

THE CHALLENGE

To write 23 poems by August 20. Not just any random poem but poems which have been revised. To make it even more interesting is that, there should be an accompanying original artwork/illustration to the poem. Each poem will be posted on this blog, every week. There are no restrictions to how many poems can be posted on the blog. As long as I can finish 23 poems by my birthday.

Image Credits:

DeviantArt