slipping back into his arms…

you’re acting like you serve an impotent god.

It felt like a slap to my face cum epiphany. These past few days I’ve been dipping in and out of depression. The spontaneous, random, i-don’t-care-if-anyone-notices-i’ll-just-pretend-that-i’m-in-pain kind of crying, no, I don’t think you can classify that as crying…more like…HOWLING. Feeling tired and hopeless that’s all. Which made me feel guilty because what kind of a Christian feels tired and hopeless? (You don’t need to answer that, I was just trying to prove a point). And the not so tangible Christmas-y air hasn’t helped me either.

And then there were the doubts- lots of them, where I felt I was spiralling down to a dark abyss, all too eager to snatch me up alive. I felt helpless and inadequate. My thought life went down the drain. Of course, I can easily mask my depression, I have mastered it, trying to hold it in like a dam. It’s no use trying to tell people, they either (1) exaggerate the whole depressed-elle scenario and spew out advice a la Dr. Phil; or (2) Water down my experience as a case of residual teenage angst [I am so over that stage]. It was no use, telling them that I felt powerless and worthless.

I felt so far from Him. Like He turned cold on me. For once I felt the presence of God leave my life. I sensed it. I was terrified. But I felt I could not do anything. My passion went so low. Praying became a chore – until one day I decided I’m not gonna stop until I hear from God. That I was not letting go until He told me what I did wrong. Hmm, God was quick to chastise me once I pursued Him and showed that I meant business.

you’re acting like you serve an impotent god

And I suddenly realized that my doubts (note the plurality) is SIN. I had tied up God’s hands with my doubts. His power could not be released in my life because of my doubts! That’s why I felt so alone and far from Him.

my doubts = sin= separated me from God.

As long as I doubted and spoke negative words over my life, I was hindering God’s grace and favor over me. Realizing this, I asked God for forgiveness for doubting Him (after all He has done and been to me, I still doubted! I wanted to slap myself silly!). Even if I was still depressed, I chose to focus on Him, that despite my circumstances and regardless of my feelings, I will still worship.

Sure, I still feel lonely and I feel my efforts are futile. But that’s just what they are FEELINGS, purely empirical and subject to the present condition. However, there is still the TRUTH, the truth that comes from God. That He will deliver me, He is my strong tower, my beloved friend. And whenever I feel like slipping under, I’ll run to His Word and in His presence I’m back in His arms.

My friends, watch out! Don’t let evil thoughts

or doubts make any of you turn from the living God.

You must encourage one another each day.

And you must keep on while there is still a time that can be called “today.”

If you don’t, then sin may fool some of you and make you stubborn.

Hebrews 3:11-13

The Flash: A Case of Wardrobe Malfunction

I knew wearing a skirt was a big mistake- for today. But at least I could claim that once in my life I have suffered from WARDROBE MALFUNCTION…haha.
Maybe it was because I am usually very disoriented during mornings and I hadn’t noticed that the LONE hook which fastened my WHOLE skirt was UNDONE.
So I wanted to show Elsie something I stood up, leaned forward on her desk ( I barely walked to her desk, because I was literally flying and I was so excited to show her my sketchpad). And so there I was minding my business leaning against Elsie’s workstation then I decided to stand straight…and to the horror of my colleagues – my skirt slipped.
MY SKIRT SLIPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CALL FLOOR!
(Let us pause to remember the incident when I lost all sense of modesty and innocence…SCREAM!)
It wasn’t the ’swoosh’ slip, it was the gradual, frame by frame, painful millimeter by painful millimeter increasing in acceleration type of slip. And I had just wondered why it felt chilly ‘down there’.
There were a lot who saw me and who gave their expert opinion on what had transpired before their eyes:
It was Deirdre who tried to tug at me to get my attention that I was ermm…indecently exposed. She was handling a really difficult, obscenities-shouted-at-your-face-call when she saw the ‘incident’. Because of me, she didn’t know if she would get irritated by the demanding, vulgar and irate Aussie caller or laugh at my mishap. I thank her for tugging at me with such brute force so that my brain could return to earth and process the fact that my skirt was slipping.
Babe told me that she thought I was wearing a black and white skirt. She had to squint her eyes to see clearly then she realized what had happened. She, along with Deirdre tried to get my attention ( but I was still in Mars).
Elsie did not realize what had happened until I created a ‘mini-shriek’ ( a full-blooded shriek would cause a commotion, and I had colleagues who possessed XY chroms, not a good thing to do, it would be drawing more attention to poor moi).
After my skirt slipped, it took me a FEW MINUTES to get what was going on (partly because I was in denial that this was ACTUALLY happening to me!). Then I gathered the skirt around me, because I couldn’t just fix myself while standing in the middle of the call floor. Scooted off to my chair and sat there, trying to look inconspicuous with my skirt way above the knee, checking to see if other people (i.e. GUYS) saw what happened. Elsie was kind enough to hide me while I tried to hook my skirt in.
Then I turn around and Harriet is looking at me…OH NO! You have to understand, her workstation is at the FAR SIDE OF THE CALL FLOOR, I frantically asked her, “Did you see?! Did you see?!” knowing that when she looked at me the answer was a clear “YES”. She said she thought that I was wearing an awfully long skirt and that the black thing (which was my skirt) was actually a sweater or sash, when I really looked panic and asked her if she saw what happened she realized that it wasn’t really a jacket or sash, and that I didn’t mean to show a lot of skin. I also asked her if Clint saw, because Clint was beside Harriet when I asked her and she said that no, he didn’t see it because he was drinking water.
I don’t know if any guy saw me in that precarious condition, but I’m just happy they’re not making noise about it. Or else, I won’t have any face to show. I could have resigned then. So now, I have to always, always bring a pin with me.
The reason why I’m hyperventilating over this…I was only wearing my freakin’ underwear!

in retrospect: standing firm

“Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. “

COMFORT ZONE

The theme of my life for the year 2006. This year has been a roller coaster ride of emotions and events that sometimes leave me gasping for air in pure joy, or weeping in a fetal position under a bed.

When God invades your life, you are never the same, ever. I have been stretched until my breaking point and my tolerance resource has been depleted, and I am amazed that I am still standing.

“My grace is sufficient for you”. The message that keeps echoing in my heart when I break down and complain against God why on earth did I have to go through a certain kind of situation. I have been grumbling a lot and I have been very ungrateful of the things He has caused to happen in my life. Then God reminds me that every single experience that happens to me, He had predestined, and that no matter what, His plans will prevail.

WAIT. SEEK. REMEMBER.

Wait for in due season I shall reap. Seek His face above everything else. Remember the dreams planted in my heart for it shall come to pass.

The EVENTFUL 100th Post

Every little thing’s gonna be alright

Every little thing’s gonna be alright

When it’s all falling down on you

You’re crying out but you’re breaking in two

When it’s all crashing down on you

When there’s nothing you can do

There is someone who can carry you

-delirious?, now is the time (2006)

This is my 100th post, and how ironic, lots of things have happened, both externally and internally.

The Trip to the Doctor

My Mom and I went to see the doctor over at Loyang Point, at around 7pm, because I had fever and what I thought was a really sore throat. My Mom said it was my tonsils acting up again but I refused to believe it, because to the best of my knowledge I wasn’t eating sweets or anything cold (the normal culprits, which after some research I find have no medical basis whatsoever, tonsillitis is caused by the tonsil being overwhelmed by virus and bacteris which enter the mouth). But then when the doctor took a look at my mouth, he said that my tonsils had pus all over them, and that I need two days of rest. So I have to miss work today, so frustrating, I just finished my probationary status and here I go getting sick, argh! I was supposed to start taking Aussie calls this week! Now I have like 4 different tablets to take and lozenges to suck every six hours.

The 19th Birthday

happiness is a cherry

While my Mom and I were at the Clinic, my family ordered pizza from Pizza Hut to celebrate my sister’s 19th birthday, a big leap and a far cry from my birthday celeration where all we had to share was a piece of chocolate cupcake!

I barely ate because I was sick, but I enjoyed nevertheless.

An Epiphany of Sorts

Why do I always wait for the bottom to fall?

It’s like I expect that sooner or later something has got to give. And I don’t expect too much of people because almost always they let me down. And I can once again say “I Knew It”, that this person was like the rest, and I hoped it did not come out in the way I acted during our last encounter. You know the feeling when you’ve lost appetite? That’s the way I feel about that person, if only I hadn’t seen that smile, the knowing look on the eyes, the whispers, I would have remained loyal. But now, that person isn’t different, is that person even worth sharing my life to?

Every Little Thing

I feel God is so far away. Last night I was talking to Him and I felt deeply convicted about a lot of things, mostly about my pride and self-centeredness, but the biggest of them all is my bitterness. Then God said, “If you’re not willing to do this all for Me in secret, where no one else can see you but Me, you’re still far from where you need to be. Only when you can serve Me without anyone looking, watching or commending you, that’s when these things that I have promised you shall come to pass.”

I have been full of myself, that is true, and even if I am sick, I am thankful because this has forced me to rethink my priorities, to go back to where I started in the first place.

The song Every Little Thing by Delirious? touches my heart, God takes care of us, even the little things. I have overlooked that fact and relied on my own inadequate strength,it’s time to fall on my Father’s arms again.

Whir of Events

Went to Paya Lebar yesterday for fellowship, just five of us from W351: Alex, Fiona, Wendy, Samson and me. Anyway yesterday was a very long day, the service lasted for three hours(School of Theology Graduation Service), I went to fellowship with W351 and E99 at KFC (where this lady was so rude and kept staring at us and Wendy’s Cheesy Fries had this icky ‘GREEN’ fry) and then I had to rush over at Tampines to meet my Mom where she had me bring home all the bedsheet sets she bought (and a big thank you to the guy over at Isetan for showing us where to queue up faster), I took the bus home, the rain was pouring so heavily, it was so cold! I actually fell asleep inside the bus.

I went home and I was feeling not so good so I decided to rest,phooey! When I woke up I was shivering and I realized that I had fever. What’s worse my throat was so sore, I had no voice!

and now, I have to go to see a doctor….

oh, today is my sister’s birthday!

HUMAN NATURE 101

if everything was supposed to be all good.
how come i am bothered by that single moment?
how come i felt HATE sting the back of my mouth and tasted its bitterness?
i wish i hadn’t seen the look, i hadn’t seen that LOOK pass on her face.
and i find myself spiralling downwards…
it’s funny when you think you’ve finally put the pieces together…
when you think you’ve figured it all out…
you get hit on the face with a big wet slap of ASSUMPTIONS.
that’s what they all are, ASSUMPTIONS.
you are as clueless as the day you were born,
to
see
that you
are
in
for
a
long

free

F….

A…

L…

L……

trying something old

WORKS IN PROGRESS

Since I started working I was able to push through with my Morning Pages, and I have come up with a few snippets of poetry…ugh… I hate saying that, that I write poetry, it sounds so , well like the Spanish ‘Illustrado’ I feel very phoney. But then again, there is no other name for it.

So here they are, my ‘babies’, nothing major, just wordplay:

keeping myself out of the way

i try to care without spilling my tears.

laying down all the excess baggage

i’m making my way home into your arms

-=o=-

traumatic weight loss

you look pale, my mom said

it doesn’t suit you

your eyes are too big for

your face,

they look like popping out

‘i am not hungry’ i answer

amidst loaded spoons shoved

to my face

i can wear S’s now

without even poking my throat

-=o=-

and it’s a little bit of me

mixed with a little more of you

less than perfect before

given something more.

-=o=-

wishing on a star that won’t fall

keeping fingers crossed for the time

just throw me a glance, a sign

when i make you like me, and you don’t like me back

if i find myself trying to make you smile.

i step back and hang myself on my arms.

with quivering lips and an even shivering heart,

i am stung by your ice needles

which prick me, and it melts

causing it to flow

as tears on my eyes.

sometimes acceptance is not an external environment thing. sometimes acceptance comes when you are ready to embrace yourself for whatever you are, the all of you. they say that true humility is seeing yourself as God sees you. people always judge the world they see through their own lenses, it doesn’t really matter how smudged or tinted these lenses may be, more often than not they are inaccurate or worse, severely distorted. but if you see yourself as God sees you, you will never feel inadequate or insignificant.

i used to think, why does it matter? people care about themselves so much they don’t even see me. why does it matter to love? when more often than not love is not reciprocated. and i would become very jaded. young and so jaded. and then God invades. and He shows me, it does matter, it does matter. as i always pray,

Lord, help me see beyond the point of my pain,

the plan you have in mind for me,

let me love with no thought of gain

to love even those who don’t love me

that’s how it is with being a Christian, some people say it’s illogical, loving people who don’t love you back. but when i think of who i believe in, God, and how His Word says that He desires us to be conformed to the image of Jesus Christ, it makes perfect sense. Jesus loves even the unlovable, and through Him i am able to came to God not as a sinner but as a daughter. everyday i wake up, thinking, “how can i make my Abba God smile at me today?”, the answer- LOVE.

when i make you like me, and you don’t like me back

if i find myself trying to make you smile.

i step back and hang myself on my arms.

with quivering lips and an even shivering heart,

i am stung by your ice needles

which prick me, and it melts

causing it to flow

as tears on my eyes.

sometimes acceptance is not an external environment thing. sometimes acceptance comes when you are ready to embrace yourself for whatever you are, the all of you. they say that true humility is seeing yourself as God sees you. people always judge the world they see through their own lenses, it doesn’t really matter how smudged or tinted these lenses may be, more often than not they are inaccurate or worse, severely distorted. but if you see yourself as God sees you, you will never feel inadequate or insignificant.

i used to think, why does it matter? people care about themselves so much they don’t even see me. why does it matter to love? when more often than not love is not reciprocated. and i would become very jaded. young and so jaded. and then God invades. and He shows me, it does matter, it does matter. as i always pray,

Lord, help me see beyond the point of my pain,

the plan you have in mind for me,

let me love with no thought of gain

to love even those who don’t love me

that’s how it is with being a Christian, some people say it’s illogical, loving people who don’t love you back. but when i think of who i believe in, God, and how His Word says that He desires us to be conformed to the image of Jesus Christ, it makes perfect sense. Jesus loves even the unlovable, and through Him i am able to came to God not as a sinner but as a daughter. everyday i wake up, thinking, “how can i make my Abba God smile at me today?”, the answer- LOVE.

Another Sunday