kissing behind the lilac bush

time has a way of making you pay

and you don’t know how to go

trying to put my best face on

but the shoes hurt so much

i hopped on the back of the pick-up truck

where to now? where are we going now?

isn’t it funny how the houses line up

along the road to nowhere

my bag’s all packed destination?

nobody cares…

i’m trying not to look back

i know i’ll never return this way again

so where to now? have you heard

there’s a lot more to this world

than running away from everything

you were supposed to be

and she ’s waiting there

she’s still waiting for me

on fire

the world lies awake when i try to sleep

under the mantle of broken stars

my heart makes a sound

like the beating drums, when the bugle calls

with all that’s going on i need a routine, sometimes i feel like a kid, i need security, stability. everything around me is so new, i need to find something that i can fall back on something that’s normal. something to comfort me and remind me that yes, i am still me and this is not a parallel universe that i accidentally stumbled upon.

maybe it’s my love of things mundane and ordinary that has made me the cowering coward that i am. because to be honest i’m as lazy as a sloth and if given the chance i’d rather spend my days lying on my ned, painting and writing when i want to . discipline is an alien and revolting word to me. but then when i think of who i am and knowing that someone has paid the price for me, i come back to my senses and despite every protest from my comfort loving self. i go.

last saturday, i cried during my quiet time, i havent had that kind of quiet time in a long time… i guess i was so overwhelmed with what he told me. that i was finally able to be honest with him and let it all flow.

with love i formed you, with love i will see you through

Cause everything inside looks like

Everything I hate

You are the hope I have for change

You are the only chance I’ll take

When I’m on fire

When You’re near me

I’m on fire

When You speak

And I’m on fire

Burning at these mysteries

-switchfoot-

cubicle

this is the unauthorized version of my life.

i crank the lever till the bucket’s full

blood vessels burst from constriction

and i have come undone.

i am the sugarless girl personified

with hair made of steel wool

eyes undergoing intense dilation.

and i have come undone.

the type of things you keep to yourself

on my way again, to a part downtown

where i never really felt at home

strangers walking up streets alone

guess who’s coming now?

and people live in fogged-up glass houses

with their cold backs on warm benches

i can never really tell is the sun up?

i just had about enough…

i’m trying to make this work

i’ve been alive in this concrete world

for far too long, it seems strange

how i never ever change…

the miraculous, the incredible i long to see

is it true? is it living within me?

i feel my lungs burst forth with air

i reach out, my hand’s not even there

in pace requiescat*

haven’t blogged for ages…

i dunno i was trying to find myself…back home.

i have been fighting every direction that find myself in.

i am stuck with one word – discipline.

intentions are nice, but they don’t get you going.

i have been full of good intentions, never the discipline.

maybe because i’m afraid i’m right…

that the rewards pay off far more than what you’ve sacrificed,

but i’d rather just be a dreamer, in my feigned naivete

i guess i like wondering ‘what could have been?’

still trying to find that certain ‘click’ inside my soul

where everything is in its place and i

like a contented mother hen

smiling at herself over her eggs,

just coo with pleasure.

*notes from a recovering wordmonger: i got the spelling right the first time!

how dare you?

if you wanted to prove you were right

i guess you won

you made your point

i guess i’m wrong

but oh how it hurts

dragging me along

then accusing me of making a mess

when the fault was your own

why am i scared?

a fortress, impenetrable

scale the heights

of the unreachable

insides of my heart

come closer

and be burned with ice

the windows block out the light

hands wave goodbye

the bough breaks

the cradle falls

i’ve been through this before

a dagger through my back

tears fan the flames

i want to breathe, without restraint

Only You Make Me Happy

I was chasing my dreams
With a coke and a smile
Only You make me happy
If that was the real thing
Then I’m in denial
Only You make me happy
Now my heart’s on my sleeve
Don’t care if I’m not in style
Only You make me happy
Superficial
Fake
And fleeting
Fashion statements have no meaning
Only You make me happy
Only You make me happy
Everything will change
But You remain the same
Only You make me happy
I had it under control
I had it right where it wants me
Only You make me happy
I’ve got the rock and the roll
It made me one of the posse
Only You make me happy
Fame and fortune
Blind ambition
Can’t replace
The love You’ve given
Like a song in my head
It lives and it die
sOnly You make me happy
Elvis is dead
But my King is alive
Only You make me happy

krystal meyers. dying for a heart (2006)

Only You Make Me Happy

I was chasing my dreams
With a coke and a smile
Only You make me happy
If that was the real thing
Then I’m in denial
Only You make me happy
Now my heart’s on my sleeve
Don’t care if I’m not in style
Only You make me happy
Superficial
Fake
And fleeting
Fashion statements have no meaning
Only You make me happy
Only You make me happy
Everything will change
But You remain the same
Only You make me happy
I had it under control
I had it right where it wants me
Only You make me happy
I’ve got the rock and the roll
It made me one of the posse
Only You make me happy
Fame and fortune
Blind ambition
Can’t replace
The love You’ve given
Like a song in my head
It lives and it die
sOnly You make me happy
Elvis is dead
But my King is alive
Only You make me happy

krystal meyers. dying for a heart (2006)

comfort food

i absolutely love fig bars