And the Curtain Falls Down

she pirouettes
with a straight face
against the glare of the lights
but how she cries
as the curtain falls down…

and see her glide
move like the angels sweep her
sweat mixed with glitter
but how she cries
and the curtains fall down.

anyone care to tell?

“i’m slowly descending into a gaping open wound”

I am on a roller coaster ride of emotions and bodily functions. When you just want to scream, “Stop the world, I wanna get off” . There are days when I wake up, “What’s wrong with me?” and there are days when I feel “La-di-da” and days when I feel so-so. I know it’s ok, but not at this rate…

image credits: floating, chrystart

i lie awake – but it’s just me

i lie awake

with the taste of blood in my mouth

i try to fake

the things that i feel inside

i no longer live my life

i no longer live my lie

i wish i could blame you

i wish i could shame you

but it’s just me

i lie awake

with love tugging at my heart

i wish i’d forsake

the pain that eats me up

i no longer live my life

i no longer live my lie

i wish i could tell you

i wish i could make you

see-but it’s just me.

image credits: as i lay by shane zory

whattaday!

Today was so awesome! I cannot believe it, I got $250, for winning 4th place from this incentive thing-y,that is so like…whoa! I never expected it to be like that you know…
Unbelievable. Knowing that I have been so stressed out at work lately, plus the BF that I have to fulfill and my obligations to my parents…what can I expect? I felt like the biggest krung-krung. But then again, I have to thank God. He’s been showing me how real he is, whatever happens, even when I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. He’s there for me…

Cellgroup was at Gladwin’s condo. Hmm, I was once again reminded that I was in a different culture because of the games, and I was tempted to let myself down again. One word, alien.
But I received a word though, short and bittersweet. Proactive vs. reactive come to mind. I shall not waste my time explaining the night away…

And SANDY…you can access other pics here

multiply: http://bohochick19.multiply.com/photos/album/40

or

windows live spaces : http://thebohochick.spaces.live.com/photos/

cranial mass traffic

Take me back to the sweet times

The hot nights

Everything is gonna be alright

In the summertime

Baby, in the summertime

And even if I have to wait til next year

I don’t care

All I know is that I’ll meet you there

In the summertime

Baby, in the summertime

That is where I’ll be

- In the Summertime, Thirsty Merc

I’ve been thinking again (uh-oh). Mainly because I feel like I am suffering from getting dumbed-down and pretzelized in the world that I am moving in. Thinking scares me, it scares me a lot, because I get ideas I never knew existed inside this cranial mass. My friends think that it’s ok when I’m thinking about cerebellar pathways or how to pass Prof. Ong’s killer history “quizzes”, but when I am left to dwell on to my thoughts, it freaks them out.

There you go again.

Maybe because that I try to think of things that are quite metaphysical, like reality, existence and being. Of course, I know how vague that all sounds, so let me give you an example from one of the “nicotine talks” I had with Alexis. (Nicotine talks: Apparently when Alexis needs his cig fix he needs to do it at a certain place – which is the bench in front of the convenience store, Ministop, which looks a lot like Cheers- and he needs to drag me along, not that secondhand smoke is my fave hobby of all time. Anyway, during these talks, it may be the nicotine but we get really “deep”) .

Alexis and I talked about aspects of the personality. How one person knows something about himself and yet there’s a side of him that he is completely unaware of when it’s obvious to other people.How there are stuff that is even unknown to others and unknown to our selves. And how a person when confronted with the “unknown to self” may react quite violently. Then we got into this heated discussion, if there are things unknown to us, does it mean that we can just leave it at that? On his side he said that maybe there is a reason why some things are unknown to us. If it was obvious to other people and we’re completely blind to it then we’ll be better off remaining in the dark. But then, for me, being exposed to this “unknown” will help us in our actualization process.

So basically, that’s how we talk whenever he smokes, it’s not that I am all for his slow torturous way to lung cancer (which one will highly likely get when it’s secondhand smoke!), I reasoned that maybe if I allowed him to talk more, he’ll smoke less. Stop addiction one stick a day!

I have re-discovered Thirsty Merc, the first song I heard from them was “Emancipate Myself”, I really liked the lyrics. Now, this jumpy song is so in my mind right now. Very LSS (Last Song Syndrome) material.

chew on this will ya?

i have a good mind to stop eating altogether. last night i could not sleep. the blood did not bother me at all. it was ok. the pain really was mind numbing. i was just imagining that there was this humungous hypodermic needle lodged on to the troublesome tooth and was extracting some toxic concoction – it made the pain bearable. i promised myself not to eat anymore, because it only aches when i eat, so the logical thing would do is to not eat while i’m waiting for the $2000 to get my teeth fixed.

then my mom made steak- steak! how lucky can you get. i always tell her that she’s been buying and cooking stuff i cannot eat. and no, i don’t care how much that bacon cost us… i cannot eat it! anyway, i guess my mom used a lot of meat tenderiser or had the meat boiling for three days on the stove, but i managed to eat the steak. i guess i won’t have to go on starving myself.

you can’t take everything with you

these past few days i feel something is going to happen. not something life altering or as i like to call it a wham moment. it’s summarized as ‘modern nomadism’. i feel that my life will be characterized by movement – moving from place to place. it makes sense though, nothing has ever been that permanent in my life. that’s why i’m searching for something that i at least would feel secure in. ace actually thinks that this ‘gypsy’ streak in my genes is the reason why i can’t commit in a relationship (boy-girl ones). and maybe he’s right, having seen me through two unsuccessful ones, i think he can judge my record well.

well that gypsy streak is what scares me though. a lot of people don’t know what it feels like to have rude awakenings. what it feels like to leave a place you consider home to a place you are completely alien to in the name of faith. there are a lot of things that people don’t know about how and why we came to live in singapore, we just give them the watered down version – we want our family to be together.

but they never saw the tears, the reluctance, the fear – my parents might as well had committed suicide or something with what we did. people never saw the way others had looked down on us, they never saw the nights we spent praying, admonishing God to prove himself right. they never saw the depression that befell each one of us. they never saw it. and so i hate the way people take our experience lightly. how we sold everything (not really, just the electrical appliances, and anything that depreciates in value with time) just to come here. how we shared one bedroom, how we had trouble making ends meet.they did not count the cost. but oh, how we did and we knew. if you ever prayed that the Bible be true in your life…you should be prepared for what will happen when God answers (not IF God answers, but WHEN). i’m not saying God let us down, he did not – ever. it was just that God kept shaking us up with the radical.

and that’s what scares me, i have tried (in vain, mind you) to dismiss the nomadic lifestyle that i was being introduced to, but i cannot escape it. i have grown to accept the fact, that i won’t have a normal life. i was informed of that when i was 13. eight years, i fought it for 8 long years, and i am defeated.

maybe this realization has made me wiser regarding earthly possessions. i once read that what you buy with your money represents your life. so if you ask me to choose between a shirt and a book – i’d choose the book hands down. knowing that i cannot take everything with me (unless i have the money to pay the fee for overloading) has forced me to prioritize my spending.

it also has made me careful. i despise people who make promises and never go around fulfilling it. i don’t like people who make you hope and wait – and that’s all they do. i lose trust and respect for them , call me outdated for still believing in palabra de honor (word of honor). that’s why i never make a promise i don’t fulfill. even if i just mentioned something offhand, i will still do it. regardless of the fact that i am tired. i said my word, and i’ll keep it. but the funny thing is, i don’t expect people to go by my rules. i guess i know that people tend to let you down, that’s why i don’t expect a lot when a person says this or that, if that person follows through, i’ll be surprised, if not, then well, that person just keeps adding to the strength of my argument that humans are quite adept in letting others down.

knowing that nothing is ever permanent has also made me picky. life is too short to waste on drama and i never know when i’ll be able to pass by this way again so i must do it right.

i don’t know where i’m exactly headed, but as i don’t see my future spent here, it might as well be true.

image credits:

deviantart

run run run,petitescargot

i wanna fly away, angelreich
walk on by,pecchio

Regrets Are Spelled With A Capital R

They said that things
Don’t last forever
Change is inevitable

This old t-shirt is fading
And I don’t feel
Comfortable anymore

You used to smell so good
When you’re near me
But now it’s so cold
Underneath this tree

If I
Wanted
Would you come back again?
If I
Wished hard
Would you appear by my side?
If I
Said I’m sorry
Would it ever reach you now?

The pages have turned
But I’m still stuck
In chapter twenty-one

Love letters that burn
Ashes scattered abroad
How can I go on?

You made me laugh
And cry at the same time
You still do…
Even if just on my mind

note: of course i have been writing this stuff again. paragraphs are too tedious. i need a break.

wow! i was rummaging through my WordPress blog (uhm yes, I have WordPress, Vox, Blogdrive etc…) one of the blogs on the sidelines caught my eye: the elle effect: vertically aligned to horizontally create cool right?

image credits: standing here with my heart, lexidh(deviantart)

19.02.04

three years and i’m all grown up

olive green top like a flamenco dancer
paired with a moss chiffon skirt…
bathed in orange light and laughter
standing on top of the world

the sun waves goodbye on the horizon
on the tenth floor of bayview park hotel
the pageant’s about to start
valian’s worn her makeup well

the phone beeps and i stare at the message
-you got in
disbelief at what was written
my head starts to spin

and all my dreams are within reach
i am invincible, i am unconquerable
leaping from bed to bed
shouting at the top of my lungs

calling everyone who mattered
all the years were not a waste
i jump up and down on the lift
success was sweet to the taste

how was I to know,
that this dream would be
a 20-second show,
lasting momentarily.

and i am not
standing on top of the world
no i am not…
an extraordinary girl.

- but I got in.

Nostalgia Strikes Again

Elle as Oble
created by Peter Edward “Peeward” Dizon aka Papito
(Oble n. pet name for the Oblation statue)
in this note
i’d like to say that i at least have witnessed to the Alpha Phi Omega Fraternity Oblation run
(smirks)

this pic re-enacts my fainting episode last january 11,2006 at GAB 303, prior to STS class, after a Neuroanatomy exam on pathways, and a OT 141 exam on Middle Adulthood. Tey, Ivan and Alexis, I am forever indebted, for carrying me from 3rd floor down to the flight of stairs. thanks for revealing that I was wearing a MAN’s belt in front of the whole campus…and passing through every fraternity’s tambayan for their entertainment purposes.

Chemistry 14 Checklist:

1. Nutrilicious Green Tea

2. University -bashing UP Block T-shirt designed by Peeward (Common People This is UP!)

3.Go Nuts Donuts Amazing Glaze flavor

4. Fan for hot summer days

5. Sir Robi’s Chem 14 Mock Exams and Modules

6. Mortimer’s Chemistry
7. Calculator

8. Scratch paper

9. Backpack

10. Oishi Pillows

(not seen: auxiliary pair of arms; laughing blockmate who took the friggin’ picture)

Taken from Palace in the Sky, near Taal volcano. First field trip ever! With,from left Sheila (Area Studies Major), Fia (Bhogz), Juniper (Jadoo, aka Bad Cheetah), Micah (numbcoldnbitter) and April (Pornstar). I think it was Sir Malvin’s class, Natural Science 2, Geology. I just remember the banca ride. I asked the fisherman why on earth our boat was going so slow, then he told me that we were running low on fuel. I panicked, you see I cannot swim, it’s the law of the universe. But it turned out fine. I made sure when we went home, I was riding on a different one.

THE FRESHIES
We look so young (not to mention fat)

innocent and completely unaware of the future. Peeward shifted course.Micah was the first one to say goodbye. Then Fia was drifting off to her calling. We rarely saw Aurea, and then it was my turn. We had plans of setting up our own clinic, of writing OT books, of shoping for things to put in our inventory. I miss you, my beloved phazies…

THE SOPHOMORES

I think this was the first week we were allowed to wear uniforms. “Caregiver” comes to mind. But there’s something respectable about wearing white, see the difference now? We look a lot older and a little thinner…must be the sleepless coffee filled nights studying Papalia and Olds.

Elle and Cielo: We share the love for writing and for conversations that never end. We share the weird experience on the bus.

(seated in the middle part of the bus, something smells like burning electrical wires, both say nothing; time passes, bus stops for awhile to let passengers alight)
elle: do you smell something funny?

cielo: yes(suddenly)
conductor: everybody out, it’s burning

(both panic, they stand up quickly and try to run but the aisle was cramped with people wanting to get out).

At a family art museum, i know this is not the Blanco’s ancestral house.

From left: Jenny (JLoink), Carisse (Tala), Camilla (Baby), Juniper (Jadoo), Tey (Muffin), Andrea (Tarat), and me (Mother)

After OT 141 – GA

see my wide smile? it’s because of relief, i cannot believe that my blockmates trusted me with this project. and because of their belief in me i was determined to make things work for them. sure we had minor glitches (gel,anyone?), but it wasn’t the complete disaster we had hoped for such hurried planning. I remember that none of us ate that day. We had rushed from the Neuro class and then got lost looking for the Senior Citizens Center. Decorating the place, and finally implementing the plan. You guys were great! Like well-oiled gears.

I thank God for blessing me with the UP experience, the mere two years I spent there were character forming, life-enriching and I learned a lot of painful lessons. I love you, my babies- Andrea, Janel, Camille, Camilla, Kwekie, Christine, Carina,Irish, Stanley, Ding, Kathleen, Karen, Micah, Lorreine, Alexis, Ediza, April, Aurea, Carisse, Deanne, Fia, Juniper, Bea, Jenny, Ivan, Anne, and Tey.