I’m Not One To Complain

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And all these days i spend away
Ill make up for this i swear
I need your love to hold me up
When its all too much to bear

And when the night falls in around me
I dont think ill make it through
Ill use your light to guide the way
Cause all I think about is you

Landing in London, 3 Doors Down

Yup I know, I am having a longing for home episode. Haha…but it’s ok. It’s quite hard, and I don’t know how I survived not having my friends through good and bad with me.

Sandy told me that she thinks that they (Singapore friends) will never replace my Pinas friends. Which is true, especially for my university friends, because they have seen my un-beautiful side and all. Living as a student at UP is very stressing, the pressure is (for me it should be “was” right? ouch!) so great, it separates future successes from mediocre people, and so our closeness was because of some threatening circumstance (getting a dreaded 4.0 or worse a 3.0 GWA) forcing us to bond together.

While here, I have the liberty to choose my friends, to select who I grant access to my life. When I was younger, I thrived on popularity, I prided myself in the fact that wherever I am I will find someone I know and I will never be alone. I jumped from one clique to another with ease. The downside was I never got to form any lasting bonds, something solid was missing. That even after a few months of separation, we finally drifted apart.

 Now I don’t really care as much for popularity, I want to have just a few close friends, those who are willing to accept me as who I am even if I am still in the process of finding that out. I guess it comes with age…haha! I am so right on track in my hum dev…eat dust Erikson! (that’s kinda mean right?).

Of course I feel lonely, feeling out of place most of the time. As someone who wants to always fit in, I hate it when I don’t get what people are talking about. There are times when I’m stuck in that situation I think to myself , “What on earth am I doing? Am I such a masochist that I actually like being lost in limbo? better yet lost in translation?”.

And I hate it, because it’s so easy to feel bitter and to close up my world. There were countless times when I feel tempted to just say “Whatever, I don’t need this, I don’t deserve this”. But I don’t want to find myself in that situation again.

In the Philippines, I wasn’t close to people at church. They had different likes from me, I am into reading, writing and talking about “heavy” stuff (Fia said that I force people to think whenever I open my mouth). They were in to going out, and normal stuff that teenagers do, which is like flee from their homes every time they can (i’m a homebody). I thought them to be superficial in their walk with God (I know I was very judging), and stuff. In short, the only reason why I served God and enjoyed church was only because I met God there. Even if I was uncomfortable with the people, I still went for PA work and volunteered when I was free, even if I was left to myself during vacant hours with no one to talk to. Even if I felt so out of place it was ok because I was hungry after God’s presence, and as far as I knew He was always at church. I don’t want THAT to happen here.

I have been trying my best, but sometimes it’s too tiring to care. But I am trying, and when I feel so wrong, I look unto His face, and I know why I’m here. That despite everything that I’m feeling, His love will remain unwavering for me.

Sometimes, I just get to focused on me and how I feel that I should be treated better that I lose perspective. A life out of target, it’s the last thing I want to fall in to. God, sustain me. Whatever it is that I feel or perceive it’s not going to last.

Is it even worth it?

I sometimes ask myself that. And I am reminded of who He is in my life, and at what lengths we have gone through together, the stubborn daughter that I am.

Speaking of stubborn, He has once again reminded me of the things I MUST DO (remember the post where I mentioned about doing the right thing versus doing what NEEDS to be done?), and with ever increasing urgency that I am halfway through some of it:

1. Wake up at 5 am to pray. I feel really convicted to start the day in prayer. Not just, a good morning God, thank You thing. But a real sit still and listen type of praying.  I have yet to achieve this.

2. Prayer and Meditation cards. This is the idea of pray without ceasing, I have my cards with prayer items on them that I can refer to. It’s convenient and I have some cards with scripture on it, so that I can think of whatever things are true and noble. For whenever I don’t have a Bible with me and I need a boost.

3. Booklet of God-Chick Poems. When I am doing my quiet time, I write poems to God or about God. There was this one time when I sensed Him telling me, “How come you don’t write love poems to me anymore?”. And I have amassed quite a number already, that it needs to have a special book of its own, and not just in different notebooks. I am working on the layout and graphics I wish to include, this is my April project, I look forward to seeing it in print.

4. Personal Bible Study. I used to write my own devotional and Bible Study. When I was in UP,despite my busy sched and extra-curricular activities, I managed to squeeze my personal Bible study in the mornings, when I have my breakfast at McDonald’s. I have my Bible and devo notebook laid out in front of me and I just immerse myself. Now, well, I need to work on it.

So, I’ve been asking God for strength and more ideas. I want to become more of the person I see myself to be. Sometimes I get impatient you know, like, “God when is my breakthrough?”. I know I’ve been experiencing a lot of breakthroughs, but I’m talking about THAT BREAKTHROUGH, but everything has its season and time, and I’ve learnt to be content and yet striving for the best.

 

 

On Fainting and Missing Friends

faint hearted

This was a video I retrieved from my old files. Carisse wanted me to pose to re-enact the fainting thing I did on January 11, 2006 (Yes, I remember, we had 2 major exams and 1 reporting to do that day). I thought that she had a camera…I didn’t know she was taking a video!

It was only when they presented their report and had included a “commercial ad” fillers for their presentation that I realized (to my horror and to everyone’s delight) that I had unwittingly exposed my un-poised self….I think I turned ten times the shade of beet red!

I had a long talk with JUNIPER on the phone, yup, I splurged my money on a call card, but I couldn’t care less, I miss them babies a lot! It’s all I can do to keep sane… And of course she had to mention FATHER (duh, I dunno why I need to like, keep him in code still, everyone knows already), and Mike (aka Carrot Cake). And how they (Mike and her) passed by each other at Starbucks and Ilona (who, unbeknownst to us, had a MAJOR crush on Mike) was on the verge of anaphylactic shock after seeing Mike smile at Juniper.

Haha. I learned a lot from her (what can you expect?). Anyway I learned a lot of not so good news and nice news. Anj will be graduating on Monday. How do I know? Well, it went like this…

Elle: Is that Anj I hear in the background?

Juniper:  Yup

Elle: Will you say hi to her for me?

Juniper (to Anj): Elle says “Hi”

Anj (still in the background): Hi! I’ll be graduating soon, where’s my gift?

Haha…very funny, considering that I only met Anj once and yet she knows almost everything about me. Anj will become a lawyer soon! I was diagnosed with Anxiety disorder, when under a lot of stress (whether threateningly real or  misperceived) I just break down…no matter how collected I am there was this tipping point.I had the classic symptoms too:

• raging heartbeat
• difficulty breathing, feeling as though you can’t get enough air
• terror that is almost paralyzing
• nervous,  shaking, stress
• heart palpitation, feeling of dread
• dizziness, lightheadedness or nausea
• trembling, sweating, shaking
• choking, chest pains, distress
• fear, fright, afraid, anxious
• hot flashes, or sudden chills
• tingling in fingers or toes (‘pins and needles’)
• fearful that you’re going to go crazy or are about to die

It was super scary in a way because I felt so powerless and yet there was relief after it. And I’m thankful for having understanding friends who know when to comfort me or slap me silly (albeit quite hard) until I made sense. I miss my babies and CAMP. I miss the OT Lec room and the OT Lab room. I miss the Nutrilicious stand. I miss Mr. Choi’s and Wendy’s. I miss our Wednesday by the Bay nights-out (yeah, I know we unwind during midweek and not on friday or weekends). I miss Camilla’s weird laugh, I miss Carisse’s moods. I miss Alexis’s bald head. I miss Jenny’s love life escapades. I miss Aurea’s smile. I miss Kat’s serenity. I miss Carina and Deanne’s performances. I miss staying out late for projects and presentations and last minute strokes of brilliance. I miss  April living out her porn star life (haha). I miss getting irritated when it rains because my white uniform will be so soiled. I (hate to admit it but) miss waiting for one hour to get the cramped ride home. I miss Tey’s illusion of modelling grandeur. I miss Kwekie’s affectionate hugs. I miss Camille’s knowing smile when I tell her I’m depressed. I miss Irish’s crazy face when she thinks I said something stupid. I miss burrowing at the CAMP library on Saturdays with noisy interns. I miss calling professors by their three initials. I miss dreading tomorrow. I miss my mushroom coffee. I miss my McDonald mornings with Nina’s Love Moves in Mysterious Ways  or MYMP’s Especially for You playing in the background. I miss all of this and so much more! 

One out of every 75 people worldwide will experience a panic attack at one time in their lives.

Credits:

Anxiety Attack Info

weirder things have happpened…

the blue grass meets the white trees

under the white light from the moon

and my heart is lightly veiled in leaves

of pain that formed a cocoon…

 

This week has been awesome (yeah, i know how can i tell, when it’s only thursday!), just came home from PM led by Pastor Kong. He looks super tired…I don’t know how he does it. Anyway, this week has been full of revelation and good things…I can’ t  believe I’ve bounced back…from teetering on the edge to flying high!

 But then this week is also unbelievable, like breaking new grounds and recovering lost ground. It’s so good to be on my feet again!

1. An impulse to read Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. Yup, in fact I think I was led to begin to crave Jane Austen’s books. It all started when I picked up Sara Arthur’s , Dating Mr. Darcy (She also wrote, Walking with Bilbo). I didn’t want to be ignorant of what the heck she was babbling about so I decided to buy (yes, that’s how obsessed I am, Paolo Coelho didn’t even come this close) the book. Guess what? As soon as I had my paycheck,  I went to Tampines Mall. My feet were divinely guided to TIMES (normally I’d head straight for POPULAR), and ta-dah! Jane Austen’s books were on SALE at 3 for $10. It’s like DESTINY! What’s funny is that while reading Pride and Prejudice, I realized I had read it before, like when I was in fifth grade…that means ELEVEN years ago. Haha, I also bought Emma and Sense and Sensibility. I have now started on Emma, because I had watched the movie (Gwyneth Paltrow) and I found it amusing. Jane Austen is very good at gauging human behaviour!
2. The urge to splurge on BOOKS. April is book month! Haha, I bought C.S. Lewis’s Screwtape Letters and Lisa Bevere’s Fight Like A Girl. I also want to buy Phil Pringle’s Faith.  I know I have the habit of spending money on food and cabs (think comfort ) but I have resolved that my money will be invested in something that will last a lifetime. And will help me become cultured and prevent my brain from being reduced into something that adds to my mass.
3. I was called a “BABE”. Ok technically this guy has been teasing me that I’m a babe. But in defense, jokes are meant to be half-true,right?  hmm, does that mean I’m HALF of a babe?! But then again I’d take half of a babe than not a babe at all….And it was just a couple of times, so it’s not even mention-worthy.
4. I found a dreadfully funny book!!! Laurie Notaro’s Autobiography of a Fat Bride, it was hilarious! Super hilarious! It’s like Bridget Jones meets Ally McBeal. Which makes me want to write a story, the basic thought is – I kissed Prince Charming~ what next?
5. I took a single-shot of espresso at Starbucks, and I was on a high, I was unusually alert and very happy, despite my frequent toilet breaks (airconditioning+water=bodily functions gone haywire) I also was chirpy during calls and I had made 55 emails….unbelievable! Maybe I should turn to mood-altering substances to function well…(addiction?)
6. Began self-study course in Spanish. With Pablo Neruda’s poems as guide. Haha, when I was studying sign language, songs gave me a good way to memorize the actions. I think poems is quite a good way to learn another language also,especially that I have a familiarity with Spanish….muy bien!
7. Writing poems everyday. During my quiet time I am once again writing poems. Actually, I have been writing again religiously in my journal. I guess that is my antidote to depression – quiet time and writing…Sometimes even if my quiet time is an hour…I just feel so heavy inside. But when I write it down, it’s cathartic. It makes my inhibitions and fears loosen a bit.
8. Sudden desire to have a NUMBER 1 CRUSH: Since the option of Freaky Guy is out of the picture, the remaining nominations are – Funny Ears, – I think the list stops there…haha…anyway, I know this MIGHT be just a phase, so I’ll keep my eyes open.

Been thinking about this scripture, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in your weakness” which is like the answer to my question last week, “How on earth did Paul consider everything he has gained as rubbish and count it as loss?”. It’s like my position now, I am at the point where I consider everything as lost to my faith in God. The question is – what now?  God’s grace is sufficient- period.

image credits: In My Ointment by ~YoungGod

half-step, out of line

 

oh won’t you take that step dear soul,

let go of the fear to take control;

there is a line from death to life

He’s calling you to follow tonight

 

and the wheels of time may still turn

but His love’s fire strongly burns

everything fades away, everything bends

it’s where He begins and where I end.

 

IRRESISTIBLE

Went for cellgroup, funny, but just as we started to sing, this thought came, “There’s a big difference between doing the right thing and doing what needs to be done”. I always seem to (grudgingly) do the right thing but I know there are things that I need to do but somehow I never come around to doing it.

The message was about how Christian’s life is a walk with God. You know what I sensed God telling me? That my life is filled with half-steps. Of course, I would lay down my life, I already have countless of times, when He invades your world…expect a ride unlike any other! But I’ve been walking on tip-toe.

Half-steps also mean that I’m half-hearted. I’ve been bitter about what I had to give up just to please Him. Then I realized that few people have the privilege of being able to say, “I left my everything and even my precious to follow Him”. I’ve almost like reminded God what I did for Him, without stopping to think of what He did for me. Pathetique, I know, how foolish I’ve been to remind God that I was at the pinnacle of my life, I had everything planned and was about to reach my goals, then I laid it all down. It was stupid, reminding God of what I gave up when He gave so much more.

 Baby steps are understandable, but not for someone like me. I’ve outgrown that, I just want to walk right-on, feet firm on the ground.

 Do you just find God’s love irresistible? He reaches down to you and affirms you in a way no one can. I am so glad His presence is near and that I’m beginning to breathe again.

 

 AFTER CG

Sandy went haywire with her phone’s cam…she kept pushing me and wendy to take pictures with her - we finally got her under control.

 

 

I don’t look pleased at all.

 

sandy:  i think i just farted

elle: i think you did more than that!

sandy: oops!

wendy and chris and elle – we were ok with taking a pic together , sandy was hurt haha!

and oh Sandy, I whaddaya think of this for the (way overdue) contact list 

 

picture credits: walk on, dream traveler

lifedumping: scenes from the past week

I

Went to  Ikea to buy stuff for Sis Jerb’s card, I think I spent a whopping $21

Handmade paper  – $ 5.90 @ 2

Mat – $1.20

ribbon – $ 2

cardboard – $ 1

plastic cover – $2.80

sand – $2.00

And because I rode the free shuttle, I had to squeeze in with the other people. I was the last person to board. The bus captain always requested for me to move a little bit to the dashboard because he couldn’t see the rearview mirror. So I thought he was being overly dramatic. Then when the bus was going to turn to go to Courts, I was busy studying the controls on the bus when the woman beside me screamed! When I looked out the door’s windows, I saw a car was going to hit us…boom! The license plate of the car got hooked on the bus…so sad…at least i’m in one piece though!

 

 Sis Jerb’s card 

II

Hana, Rubi and I were off to the 3rd floor to relieve ourselves. Lo and behold, freaky guy was there (in retrospect, he is Sandy’s pretty guy). We boarded the same lift, and well, he was standing so close, too close for comfort. Then he asked me stuff (which I forgot because I was busy having an out of body experience looking down at the situation and analyzing what to do). Then we had to alight because we reached the 3rd floor already.

as the doors close

 

HANA: He is kinda cute

ELLE: I KNOW (Whispers, “I know” again in a regretful way)

Sandy says I sound so head over heels, I beg to differ.

III

Sandy went over to my house last Wednesday. Louisa was supposed to pick her up in a cab to Joan’s house. But for thirty or so minutes we had been standing on the void deck.

 

SANDY : Her phone is turned off. Did you give her the correct address?

ELLE (Walks away and is looking at the announcement posted near the lift, because she has that sinking feeling that somehow, she gave the wrong address).

SANDY (Phone to her ear): Can you just imagine how much her fare is running at right now?

ELLE (gapes in horror, runs back to Sandy): Ermm, I think I gave her the wrong address.

 

IV

NOTES:

* Yeow’s last day was on Thursday

* Yvonne came in last Monday

* I was on a regular shift

* Hana and I were fasting…haha…

* Jenny said I should patent the design I made for her name “j-e-n-n-y-o-n-e”

todo lo llenas tu

This is a page from my clutter journal… this is a poem in progress.

The title of this post literally means, You fill everything – which got me into thinking… I am on borrowed time. If you’ve surrendered your life away- you strip yourself off of your rights.

But I wish even the pain would just go away. Because no matter how you tell yourself – THIS IS WHY I’M HERE, it still hurts like a splinter lodged in your heart.

He fills everything.

I’ve finally FOUND someone!

It was LOVE at first sight. He gave me my first real smile in weeks. I mean it was all so sudden, we had just met, but he had just jumped to me and kissed me smack on the lips. Of course I was taken aback by his greeting and I think it was quite swift of him to make a move…

Haha… this is me with Latte, Jun Yi’s dog. After CG we (Sandy, Jean, Bear, Deborah, Nicole, Fiona and Nicholas) went to Jun Yi’s house to eat Penang Laksa that his Mom had prepped for us. And I met his weird ADHD afflicted cat, Mocha, but since I wasn’t a cat person I wasn’t too thrilled. Then Jun Yi was like, “Wanna see my dog?”. And Latte is (if it isn’t obvious) a Corgi. He jumped at me as soon as I knelt down and planted a big fat one on my lips. This pic was taken by Sandy, it was like his nth attempt to kiss me (eww, doggie breath!). But I felt happy. Yeow said that I looked so happy in that pic and so did Joanne. I guess Latte knew how down and out I was so he was extra nice to me.

i look so cartoonish here

Everyone wants to be my superhero
Everyone thinks I need saving
They all want to be the knight in shining armor
But no one asks me if I’m fine
Everyone wants to be my superhero
Everyone wants to save me
They all want to fight the fire-breathing monster
But they don’t ask me if I’m fine

-MISUNDERSTOOD

(heart)broken in all the wrong places

I fished this entry from my first blog, kinda sad, but so true

10.06.2006

geez…
i am not pleased with this….
for a month now i have been on this roller coaster ride of emotions, more exhilarating, frustrating and definitely more stressing, than my heart could take. my sadness overwhelms me and i find myself at the feet of Jesus everytime. while i was waiting for someone from the cell group to pick me up at the MRT station, words quickly came out of my head, which began to sound like a mantra.

“i think i’m gonna die, i think i want to cry, i think i want to go home and disappear,or i think i’ll just weep here, my heart is broken at all the wrong places, can somebody find me in this sea of faces?”

i hate this, i hate this…but then again tomorrow i’ll wake up and everything will once again be brand new. i wish i had a brand new heart you know? because this loneliness that creeps within me is tearing me piece by piece and i try and i try to stitch it back together but all i end up is frayed seams.

i smile and yet i feel like i am betraying myself, and i seek Him, and i know that comfort awaits in His arms…that is the only thing i know, that i can never find the kind of intimacy, a union of hearts with anyone else on the planet, in the universe for that matter except with Him. once it was revealed to me that no earthly heart could ever fill the God-shaped vacuum in my life, that is why i should never be affected by love given or witheld from me by the people around me. i should be grateful but i shouldn’t build an altar for them, as i have usually done in the past…

i fished this song from what Ace of American Idol sang, i did not take it out of the real context of the song though but the chorus really is what i feel…

Well I’ve never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein’ strong meant never losin’ your self-control
But I’m just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

image source: http://www.otakuboards.com/printthread.php?t=26395&pp=100
lyrics source:http://www.ojar.com/view_22379.htm
retrieved: 06.10.06

pienso que estoy vivo otra vez

Fallin’ out, fallin’ in
Nothing’s sure in this world, no no
Breaking down, breaking in
Never knowing what lies ahead
We can really never tell it all, no no

Hittin’ high, hittin’ low
Win or lose, you should go
Yeah yeah
Getting warm, getting cold
Weather can be so good or bad
But baby, this is life so don’t get mad
No no no

Cause ohhh
Can’t you see
That no matter what happens
Life goes on and on
And so, baby, just smile
Cause I’m always around you
And I’ll make you see
How beautiful life is
For you and me

Life’s full of challenges
Not all the time
We get what we want
But don’t despair, my dear
You’ll take it each trial
And you’ll make it through the storm
Cause you’re strong
My faith in you is clear

Take a little time, baby
See the butterfly’s colors
Listen to the birds that were sent
To sing for me and you
Can you feel me?
This is such a wonderful place to me

Even if there is pain now
Everything will be alright
For as long as the world still turns
There will be night and day
Can you hear me?
There’s a rainbow always
After the rain
Rainbow, Southborder

It’s funny how God uses people to encourage you, even if it’s someone you barely know. I had this big question looming in my head…which left me in self-doubt. Guess what? In one way or another it got answered. Audibly too, and precise.But I never saw it coming.

I know that I’ve posted a really ancient song by Southborder, but when I was so down (like last week), as I was walking home, I suddenly began singing that song to myself (and also Eraserhead’s With A Smile). It has kept me in the best of spirits.

Hmm, how come even my boss is interested in looking for a boyfriend for me… do I look like I am in dire need for one? Oh yeah and even Warren (who has a trouble pronouncing “Bebot” from the Black Eyed Peas song) asked if I had a husband (gag! vomit! puke!). It’s like people have this need to matchmake me to someone!www Seriously, I don’t think I’m in a place where I’m able to enter into THAT kind of relationship without blowing myself and the other person into bits.

But then again, you never know. Life’s full of surprises and detours. BUT (and there’s always one) I’m not as Fia called it “emotionally prepared”. I have too much drama going on and I don’t think having a significant other will cancel anything that I’m going through.
Speaking of significant others: How come people (guys in general) say they like you, LIKE you after an amount of time has passed (like recently, a guy I’ve last talked to like 7 years ago!) and you guys are so far apart (he didn’t knew i was living here, so did the other one) to have any connection?

WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?!

RUBI’s BACK AT WORK! Looking prettier than ever! Haha…

And there was an influx of India calls…It was ok, aside from their cows mooing (I hope Hana’s reading this) and the fact that people talk to me in Hindi (amazing: I can totally get what they meant), it was all good!

Email was ok… I managed to perform well, I guess…we are so flooded!!! I opened my Inbox, voila! 260 emails in waiting …can anyone hear BACKLOG?

I wish I was SuperFlash, or maybe I can get one of those brain-computer interface so that when I think of a reply, the computer will just read my mind, and type it up, it will be very efficient, right?

yo soy suspenda in eternidad
con nada aferrarse a
pero mi fe en Dios

the spark that caused my inevitable spontaneous combustion

Have you ever felt like being ’sterilised’? Like being made generic…unflavorful (a tad bit bland). That is how I felt this month of February. I felt misaligned, unable to create , and submitting myself to paralysis. Feeling nothing but disdain for paper, pencil and words…ermm not to mention paint.

I thought to myself, everyone else is so good at at writing and painting even collaging…why bother?

I also did not want to think. To let myself run loose and experience what-could-be’s in my mind. I looked back on my previous art journals, bursting with hope and purpose…ideas.

Danny Gregory is right. But even if Life may not be spiral-bound but it goes on even if you haven’t got your Moleskine (sniff…). It bloody goes on without mourning the wasted time.

author’s postscript: I think this journal entry was my tipping point. It was the first entry that I had written for this year. and it was a taste of things to come. Sigh, I have been crying nonstop, partly berating myself for my selfishness and partly feeling sorry for myself.  Shake it off, Elle!