I think therefore I am (confused?)

God is a dreamer, and I am part of His dreams (like everybody and everything in this Universe). But a dream has some sort of independence from the dreamer, and sometimes it becomes a nightmare. As part of His dream, I want Him to have a wonderful time, so I do my best.  -Paolo Coelho

I haven’t been into thinking recently, and I know my mind is a tangled mess of thought processes and impulses which never seem to assemble themselves into something coherent.

But I am getting there (fingers crossed?). 

 And oh yeah, for anyone who’s interested I posted my notes on Rev. Robb Thompson’s message last saturday, What is Your Manifesto?.

My reading list has just expanded, yet again, to date, I still have to finish:

1. Sense and Sensibility, Jane Austen

2. Winning with People, John Maxwell

3. Fight Like a Girl, Lisa Bevere

4. Screwtape Letters, CS Lewis

5. Difference Maker, John Maxwell

6.  The Tipping Point, Malcolm Gladwell

7. Like the Flowing River, Paolo Coelho

8. Excellence in the Workplace, Rev. Robb Thompson

9. Dreamgirl, Mary Simpson

For now, I promised myself, not to buy anymore books until I finish all nine. I am trying to curb my book lust. It’s so funny, but temptation comes even in the most subtle way. For some people it’s desserts, or like Rev. Phil Pringle once said, goldfish. For me, it’s books, I can never read or buy enough of them!

This bibliophilic obsession started when I was young. The most vivid images left from my childhood aside from life in the Middle East and the time I got dunked in a sewer, was the time when my Mom came home from a shopping trip and bought 15 hardbound classical books, most girls grew up with Sweet Valley High, but I had Robert Louis Stevenson, Jonathan Swift, Louisa May Alcott, R.D. Blackmore, Susan Coolidge and Emily Bronte.

Speaking of which, the last four authors are especially close to my heart, because these writers wrote the books that made an impression on me. Louisa May Alcott and Susan Coolidge sparked my love for writing through their heroines, Jo March and Katy Carr. While the dark, poignant stories of Lorna Doone and Heathcliff drew me to empathise with them.

The opening quote is from one of my fave authors, though sometimes I may disagree with him on a lot of points, he makes me think, that’s why. As people grow older, they form opinions and choose values, and I just love authors who make me go on a mental journey and reach an A-HA! destination. Paolo Coelho is just like that.

Oh, well, I’m off to hit the books, pick on someone’s brains and hopefully glean something.

image creds:

Read ME by @Shutdown

www.deviantart.com

Take a Hold of Dreams

 

i am with you

i am in every breath

i am with you

even in your darkness

i have seen the tears

buried in silent rooms

i have heard your cries

when you’d fallen so soon

and in everything that you do

remember, i am with you

 

“WHEN GOD WHEN?”

Has God given up on me? Have I become a hopeless case that I have forfeited my right for a dream come true?

That was what I was thinking last Thursday at cellgroup when I glimpsed at the song sheet. The song sheet had the picture of an astronaut on the moon and underneath a caption – Dreams. As I said previously, I felt empty of dreams and visions. It was a bummer. You know what it feels like? It’s like you’re a top that continues on spinning with all this energy and life but going nowhere.

As we were singing (cellgroup was moved to Thursday instead of Saturday), I was reminded that He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He never changes, the God who gave me dreams before, who had made me go through a lot of stretching, almost birthpain-like experiences and made me experience successes is the same God who I believe in today. Whatever dreams that I had harbored in my heart, He was the one who had planted it, and all I need to do is nurture it. God will not let his word return to him void, but will ensure that whatever he has said  shall come to pass. Sometimes in the midst of being engulfed in our own world, God gets smaller and smaller, until you don’t notice it, he fades in the background.

That’s what happens. It’s a cycle, of ups and downs, of seeking his face and then losing focus. But what opened up in my heart and in my spirit was that God cares so much more that I could ever think. God never gives up on anyone. No matter how badly you messed things up – he has always made a way out.

When we were asked to think of our dreams, my mind’s eye just exploded in scenes of what-could-be, but wait, in God’s eyes, it was scenes of what-is, since he is not limited by the time and space continuum.Even before he created the world, he already had you and me in mind and he already had plans for us, not just plans-plans but “BIG” plans. No way could he think of something mediocre for us.

 And I was reminded of past dreams and hopes, stuff which I had forgotten. But He certainly didn’t! After each and every line, my brain would churn out with more dreams and my hands would swiftly move to cope with it!

Faith began to stir up within me, and I knew more and more, that what he had said on December 21, 2005 was so true. No longer I. No longer I.

 IF I AM WRONG WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE RIGHT?

I was informed of someone saying not so nice things about me. I lost my appetite to eat my Mom’s fish in coconut milk specialty and I cried while eating  (I don’t feel humiliated crying in public since I had done worse bawling at a public place before).

I just feel hurt, because I never wanted to have people think of me that way. It’s funny when you think you don’ t care what people say it falls on you like a tonne of bricks.

Well, I’m sorry if you feel that way.

Thanks for J-E-N-N-Y-O-N-E for trying to make me feel better.

Hana~ how did the interview go?

NEW CONTACT: Hey guys I have a new number…you can just drop me a line if you don’t have it.

image creds:

Hold by ~CallOnTheLife

disconnected

 it could’ve been worse. or not.

my sim card has just went “Pufft”. just like that. so anyone who has attempted to or sent messages to me, please do not bother – i will never, ever receive them. please don’t think i’m blowing you off – it just happened.

 i have been struck with temporary paranoia – that i just missed an important SMS message or call:

My Prince Charming finally got a hold of my number and will profess his undying love for me,

My Mom telling me that we’re now moving out of the tiny flat and we’ll get rooms of our own,

PCIJ calling overseas to beg for me to become their intern,

A big shot attorney for a multi-millionaire with no heirs and who drew my name out of a database on the information super hi-way and decided to bequeath all the wealth to me,

A call to inform me that I won the Pulitzer…

think of it! all those missed opportunities.

but think most of all if you’re a christian and you’re disconnected from your center – Christ. think of what you could really miss.  

i am sad

 

 

sadness is a moat of dark water

a tangle of dark briars no one can cross

sadness       a habit of sackcloth you wear

in devotion to the god of loss.

- Chris Pealer

 

Chocolates. Sitcom reruns. The trusty “Blankie”. Ice Cream. Karaoke. The familiar dent of my head on the sofa. The un-sick yet sick feeling of it all.

Sadness is quite easier to succumb to than being this happy-happy-joy-joy dynamo. I for one am not a Pollyana-ish human being. I tend to color the lens a grey hue.

Being sad gives me this misconceived notion that I have the right to be selfish. It makes me oblivious to everyone except for me, myself and I. Sadness, makes one, me-istic. It paralyzes me to the bed, with a couldn’t care less attitude.

But I am trying. There’s a greater discipline involved in being happy – no matter what. Not the “I think you deserve to submit yourself to a mental institution” type of happiness, but a genuine ” People throw crap at me, but there’s some good that will come out of this I’m sure” happiness and optimism.

Peter always told me, “It’s all in your frame of mind”. In that case, I have to re-align and re-calibrate my mind more often. Praying for a better, stronger and disciplined self. Not someone who can easily fall into self-pity, but someone who can still smile even if eustress turns to distress. Someone who does not whither and close off. Someone who is not so self-centered, apathetic and unfeeling. Someone who cares and laughs.

But I won’t give up on the chocolates.

look for the smile

 

image credits:

today i’m sad

the sad cow

mirror, mirror on the wall, who am i?

 

how  can you even be a mirror when you can only give back yourself?

what’s worse is your reflection of yourself is distorted.

 

Today, I received a revelation about my current state of affairs. And it has been very shocking, in a way that I never thought that it was the reason why I had been feeling a lot craptastic these past few days.

It seems that no matter what happens to me, whether it may be a cause of celebration or grief, I feel the same. No fluctuation in the emotional radar. Zilch. Nada. Does not exist. I feel miserable, even if I’m quite a master at masking emotions. It’s funny because the more steroid happy I appear, the more I am depressed. Until of course, my threshold has finally reached its tipping point.

I have spiralled into self-loathing. No, to be more exact, I’ve indulged myself into self-loathing. Self-hate, self-doubt, not forgiving myself. In short, I was giving myself a very tough time. Even if I do not physically hurt myself as I did before (which involved self-mutilation and the intake of potentially poisonous stuff in small dosages), I was still cutting and poisoning my own soul.

And I began to feel my poverty, my poverty apart from Christ. How I need him more than ever. How I am nothing, nobody without him. In that moment, these realizations hit me like a succession of waves, each one greater in magnitude than the last. Tears streaming down my face, I asked him to fill me again with new oil. 

Phil Pringle once said that the oil in the lamp is supposed to burn not the wick. I am the wick and I have burned out. That is why there is a need to be re-filled with new oil…or else, you’ll be burning away so fast – you get snuffed out.

 “Then I washed you in water; yes, I thoroughly washed off your blood, and I anointed you with oil.”

Ezekiel 16:9

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Spinning- Gaining Acceleration

Thought for the week: Intimacy does not only depend on the depth of the knowledge you have of the other person’s nature, it is also based on the quantity and quality of your shared experiences.

This thought has made me pursue a convenient quiet time…all the more. Even if I read and study his word, that alone wouldn’t lead me into a deeper relationship with him.

Cellgroup Finally!

Today is the first cellgroup after so many weeks. But before that, I came to work at 8am, I was suppose to come at 6am! Alas, my body cannot keep up without caffeine and sleep (although together they can be counterproductive). I had to literally drag myself to work. I was feeling so nauseous and I was sorely tempted to come back home and just lie on the bed, and continue rotting. I stopped to grab a Filet-O-Fish meal and joined the morning exodus in a zombie-ish state.

After work, I had to meet Joan at Tampines. I originally planned to take bus 10, and then we saw Jael. So we all decided to take the train to Bedok. There we met Tash’s friend Vinod. We had to wait for Weiliang and Nat. But Nat was going to be super late, so we had to go on first, we took bus 40.

 Man! I so miss the cellgroup, it’s really different if you have the intimacy in a smaller group of people. There’s something personal about it.   We also celebrated Nick’s birthday. Of course, the surprise part was all too obvious, he was literally cornered!

And the message was so right on! Haha…I think I’m missing the right inward attitude. As I told Wendy, I felt like I had lost my dream, that’s why I don’t expect a lot.  It’s like this: 

Elle: Hi God, I know you’re super busy, but you can get back to me if you have the time…(pause)

Elle: Or not, it’s ok…it’s all good. 

Pathetic, right? I felt so rigid these past few days…hoping for a breakthrough in my quiet time. Waiting…waiting…and waiting a little bit more. Sometimes you get caught up in everything, you end up with nothing. It pays to stop, listen to that still small voice.

right inward attitude + right outward posture + perseverance = receiving from God

Book Queue

Joan, Jael and I went to Tampines Regional Library after cellgroup. Jael said that we must spend just 30 minutes (because I kinda dragged her along), then Joan said she didn’t want to go to her tuition, and I’m like, “Are you sure?” and “Will your mom be ok with that?”. She said yes, and I know I may be lacking a strong role model influence, but hey, she said so.

 So we were all there, and we browsed through some books, making fun of so-called designers who can’t design, and enjoying Jael’s mishap at her book borrowing skills. Can you believe Joan, who is two years her junior actually taught  her how to borrow. I am so disappointed that I wasn’t able to catch it on film!

 I borrowed this anthology of poems collected by one of my fave poets Naomi Shihab Nye (because she has Middle Eastern roots and her poems are very thought-provoking and probing), its title is What Have You Lost?, which is so timely! And a book on scrapbooking (what else is new?).

And so goes my book queue, to date I haven’t read/started/finished the following:

1. Moving in the Spirit – Phil Pringle (one more chapter!)

2. Difference Maker – John Maxwell

3. Winning with People – John Maxwell

4. Screwtape Letters- C.S. Lewis

5. Fight Like a Girl – Lisa Bevere

6. Sense and Sensibility- Jane Austen (I’m still at the part where Willoughby just left Marianne)

And any post will not be complete without the pictures!

ms. band major

joan is so camera shy!

 jael and her “date” having a lover’s quarrel

haha…on the way home

looking uber serious…

forcefully shocked?!

Grateful

so who am  i now?

chasing dreams carried by the wind

looking for songs that dry up under the sun

pretending to hear voices that are seen

who am i?

am i?

I know I won’t have the opportunity to share this on Saturday, so I’ll just post it here:

1. That fateful cab ride. How God can turn a scary situation, no matter how dark (literally!) it is, his hand is there to guide. I’m grateful for the confirmation!

2. For the $150 blessing. See, I’m goin’ broke and well, this came as a surprise! It never crossed my mind before…but then I signed the paper, haha! It’s done…truly Jehovah Jireh!

3. Awesome Benny Hinn crusade, new revelation and fresh anointing…despite the circumstances I find myself in, it’s still eustress and not distress!

4. For waking me up early to have my quiet time~sweet!

5. For the incredible strength and re-affirming my dipping self-esteem.

6. For the UPGRADE! In every sense of the word!

 

 

To these precious people: 

1. Mr. Ivan Lim, thanks for deciding to come back to SIS and stopping when I flagged your cab. Thanks for your inspirational story ~ truly miraculous. It cleared my doubts…heaven-sent and Spirit-led!

2. Sandy Wong. Enough said…

3. Chun Kiat~ thanks for the water and stuff! I needed it!

4. Steph! ~ thanks for the food and tea!

5. Joan~ haha…you make me smile

6. Jael~for capturing Joan after 9 hours of futile manipulation!

7. Vick~ for reminding me that I need to take a break!

8. Jenny Chan ~ for covering the India line with me

9. Hana and Rubi~ for attempting to salvage my butt from further embarrassment at the lift today (but since the people were already laughing I guess the damage has been done!)

10. To all the people who said that I looked like the girl on my wallpaper! ~ what can I say? (You guys need specs, you too, mom!)

And the pictures:

sandy and me~kallang

i missed her!

shocked and shy

and i looked weird?

sandy: i recently went for botox

chris: duh!

taking pix of each other

(super bored!)

rachel mcadams and jael tan

inside the stadium

chun kiat’s back

(note the crowd, 2 hours before the service started!)

amy’s back

my last ditch attempt to get joan’s picture taken

IMAGE CREDITS:

Write by ~belovedcrow on deviantART

LSS – Last Song (Heard) Syndrome

I wanna sink to the bottom with you
I wanna sink to the bottom with you
The ocean is big and blue
I just wanna sink to the bottom with you
I just wanna sink to the bottom with you
The ocean is big and blue
I just wanna sink to the bottom with you
-Sink to the Bottom, Fountains of Wayne

This song keeps playing in my head. I performed another hard reset on my PDA. <sigh>. Now, I’m busy restoring it.

 Ciao!

.LOOK.

 

 

Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
there you are to show me

- When I Look to the Sky , TRAIN

 

Sometimes it’s tempting to take the easy way out. The path which won’t allow for much stretching, but then again, you will never know how steely your will is unless you jump that hurdle. Even if you have set up that hurdle for yourself.

But what makes all things worth it? When is enough ever enough? Why does one do the things he/she does? Can love last so long?

This is a dodgy business, setting your sights on one thing helps you attain focus. But the problem that I see is, my pacemarkers change. One day, A is my goal, the next day I suddenly get an epiphany and realize that C is my goal. It’s like me wanting to have killer abs this day, but waking up and deciding that I’d rather not care at all.

Set your eyes on one immovable, permanent thing. In my case, I set my eyes on someone who has always been there, who has been more than worth it. Who has helped me not only endure but overcome, even if I’m as stubborn as an ox.

credits:

porcelain sky