Heartbreak Avenue
It’s alright, I’m okay
I think God can explain
I believe I’m the same
I get carried away
It’s alright, I’m okay
I think God can explain
I’m relieved, I’m relaxed
I’ll get over it, yeah
- Splender, I Think God Can Explain
Dans la mémoire affectueuse de Grandmère
Today is the first year anniversary of my Nanang (my maternal grandmother). Last year, I cried buckets. I was the only one who cried actually. My Mom scolded me for crying, she said I was making it (the situation) worse. It was a valley for our family then. We just left our everything, what we had stood for, what our life once was, for Singapore.Basically, everything was heaving around us, and we were about to be swallowed whole, when the news came, it was too much for me. It made me doubt about being here, about everything. Was this really the path meant for me? Or were we misguided in our prayers?
I regret that my grandma and grandpa never got to see my parents walk down the aisle. I regret never seeing them again when I could. I was 13 when I last saw Nanang, 11 when I last saw Tatang.
My grandma’s death brought greater grief to me because I took care of her during her mourning period when my grandpa died. I slept in bed with her, accompanied her when she went visiting, getting her hair and nails done, going to the market and talking to people. She would walk so stately beside me, though she was smaller than me. She never left the house without putting on lipstick, applying compact powder and perfume. She would treat me to a dish of paradosdos whenever we went out. She would introduce me to all the people we met (she always knew the people around her town!). She would have pride in her voice whenever she introduced me to them. At night, I wouldn’t sleep until she was asleep, because her leg would be jerking all the time, even when she was asleep! (a case of nocturnal myoclonus).
Sometimes I would wake up to see her staring at me. I remember her small, wrinkled hands on my face, talking like a child, “My dear granddaughter” again and again, then would weep like a baby. I would tell her over and over that I loved her. Over the years I would tell her that over the phone, and I would hear her cry again.
I miss the way she smells, she’s the only elderly person that I know who smelled sweet. I miss the glint of mischief in her eyes like a schoolgirl. I miss the way she looks at me, like I’m the most precious thing on earth. I miss the way she’d educate me on how to choose the best meat and fish paste. Or what color should the bile be to make a nice bitter soup.
But I just wish, I could take her in my arms again, and hug her. And tell her that I loved the songs and stories she shared when she watched over us during the Manila power failure years. When my parents were overseas and she babysat us. That I loved her cooking, eventhough as the years progressed the dishes became salty.
I just know that she’s home and she’s happy.
I get by with a little help from my friends…
Guess what! I met Hana today!
It all started with:
YS: Do you have a date today?
ME: Nope, why?
YS: Because you look prettier today.
ME: What?!
YS: No I mean, you’re always pretty, but you’re dressed up.
ME: No I’m not, do I look like I’m going? I don’t even have a date!
YS (offers): Want me to look one for you?
ME (rolls eyes): No thanks
Then I received Hana’s message, and I mean crying is so not her, I mean, it’s my forte! My expertise, I am a lachrymal connoisseur (I hoped I spelled that right!). So I told her I’ll go visit her at Starbucks @ Simei. Which means I have two cups of coffee in me today. But I am on a solid food fast for 24 hours (technically I fasted for more than 24 hours), so coffee was ok.
Anyway, so after work I managed to arrive at Simei at 9:15 (I had to wrap something at work, so I left at 9 plus). Then we went to our “nook” at Starbucks. It was so nice talking to her in her un-sick mode. She looked better than the last time I saw her.
The nice thing about Hana and I is we just love to TALK…haha, it’s like we never were apart and our conversation just picks up from where we left off. And we aren’t just talk-ers, surprisingly we’re both good listeners! We can make each other laugh too.
We’ve both been exercising too, but, I think should try Pilates more!
And anyway, I have nothing to say about THAT WOMAN (your woman, Hana). I just want to say,
“Hana, I’m behind you, ok? And don’t put that WOMAN on a pedestal, she would love that! You are you for a reason and true friends accept each other… PERIOD! Remember, to thine own self be true? I will support you ok? Unless you’re too stubborn too take the right directions I’ll club you over in the head (haha)”
If all else fails, give me her number (cue: evil laugh)
TO SANDY WONG
I know you’ve been waiting for this for a long time…
i broke my fast on half a plastic cup of this!
So Yesterday…
Went to Auntie Elvie’s house to get my teeth casted. Her daughter, May was celebrating her 10th birthday also and they made us eat a lot! When May entered the house I was sitting smack in the middle of the living room and she did what her six year old brother did when he saw me, they smiled! So cute, I mean the way they smile. Then she sat on the sofa eating chocolate cake but still staring at me…
MAY (to her mom while looking at me, in English) : Is she Singaporean?
ME (in English): No I’m Filipina
MAY (in Tagalog): She doesn’t look like one.
MY MOM (English): But she speaks like a Singaporean
AUNT ELVIE (emerging from the kitchen with May’s cute birthday cake): Because her boyfriend is a Singaporean.
I almost dropped from my seat! I have never ever, ever, ever, talked about my love life (or the lack of such a life) to any person except for the “CHOSEN ONES”. It was a good thing I was too dead beat to react violently.
Anyway, I am off to bed now, tomorrow is my last work day for this week. EMERGE 2007, here we go! I am so excited!
PS. Ok the title is an excerpt from a private message I received from Bryan (sec school classmate). I’ve edited this post 3 times, it’s 1:12 am, I am psyching myself for the EMERGE conference. Ciao mi amores!
g)
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