As the gears unwind,

THE BIRTHDAY

Yes, I am officially 22 years old for one week and five days! First off, I would like to thank everyone who wished me a happy birthday and who made my day special by not only greeting me, but showering me with gifts.

This birthday goes down in history as the record-breaking number of gifts I’ve ever received since the day that I was born. A handmade necklace (from Jael), a bag (from my Hana Banana), tops from my sister, really expensive premium mint chocolates from my mom, a voucher from Jenny, a birthday song from Sis Jerb!  Predictably a number of you guys gave me *BOOKS* which adds to my already near-to-bursting library, but in any case, I am so touched that you moved out of your way just to make my birthday a two week celebration (I just received this uber-cool card and a Chip stuffed toy from the ex-interns).

My parents fetched me from work, and surprise, surprise – Papa gave me a bouquet of Stargazers even if I really adored Tiger Lilies, but then they are quite identical. I wasn’t really expecting anything on my birthday, after all I survived without having a “big bash” everytime my birthday rolled around.  We had pizza, meatballs, gourmet chocolates, fried chicken, and cake. And I was so touched, considering that last year, we celebrated my birthday with a SGD1.90 cupcake. I mean, this is like exponential growth (and I am once again reminded of God’s faithfulness).

THE WEEK AFTER…

WORKING WOES

The past post-22nd birthday week has been stressful, with the interns leaving us (sob!), and the flood of emails and calls, from abusive customers. Some days, I get a bad call and I will be literally shaking like a leaf the whole time! Either that or I’ll cry. I know they’re upset but I can’t have them upset or else I cannot help them. And we’re really understaffed!

NOTES FROM THE DENTIST ORDEAL 

Plus my near death experience with the dentist, when I went for one tooth extraction and wisdom tooth surgery at the same time. While lying there, at first I thought, “Why is the chair shaking?”. Then I realized as I looked at my hands that I was the one who was shaking! You see my previous dentist was a very gentle and credible woman. Credible because all her certificates were plastered on the walls of her office so I felt confident opening my everything to her. Now the environment I was in on Saturday was different. The dentist first commented, “Oh, you need to have your wisdom tooth extracted, I’m sorry I didn’t notice that” which was like for me, “Hello, You got a simple consultation wrong, how can I entrust you with my oral cavity?”. Then without warning the dental assistant put goggles over my eyes (which I thought was for protection when the blood spurts out!), and the dentist suddenly shoves a three-inch long needle in my gums! Not only does she shove one, she shoves three hypodermic needles into my delicate gums.

Then she went for a smoke! While I’m trying to figure out how many people have passed out on the same exact chair that I was sitting on, my dentist went out to smoke! And it didn’t help that the dental assistant didn’t know where the surgical tools were, and once she found it (with the help of the nagging receptionist) she tossed it on to the metal tray like I wasn’t there to hear how panicked she was. Anyway, after what seemed to be like forever, the dentist came in, and the first sentence she said?

“I feel so pressured, I need to tackle 2 big teeth”

So not helpful for me at that time. Anyway, I had my eyes closed the whole time she had those metal thingamajigs scraping down my teeth and gums. And I also do not want to see the blood splatter on my goggles (just in case). The first teeth came with a little force, it felt like paper ripping off (maybe it was my gums) and grinding stones. The second teeth was more difficult as it was really my slanted wisdom tooth. The dental assistant had to hold me by my forehead and chin, while the dentist tried to pull, actually it was more like tugging forcefully at my jaw. After about two minutes of struggling, the operation was done, which amounts to:

WAITING TIME AT THE RECEPTION: 20 Minutes

WAITING TIME FOR THEM TO ASSIST ME: 30 Minutes

ACTUAL PROCEDURE: Less than 1o Minutes!

I came with a really swollen face, like I was deformed or something.

 AND WHEN STUFF HAPPENS…YOU THINK ABOUT

I’ve been doing a lot thinking lately, like who the person that I see myself as. There are times when I refuse to be brutally honest to myself in the hope that this “issue” will just go away. It takes a fair amount of responsibility and courage to be able to admit what you’re weak at.

More than ever, I have been thinking about what I am thinking. There was this one day when I regressed, and negative thoughts just filled my brain, and I made those thoughts mine because I spoke it out. Thoughts of giving up, blaming God for not giving me a normal life, I am not proud to say this, but I really blamed God for the life that I was leading. It was a good thing though that I had made a commitment to actually discipline my mind. And that the Holy Spirit was there to encourage me and nudge me to the right path. I realised that those thoughts were not really mine, it only became mine when I verbalised it.  Then I was reminded of God’s faithfulness to me, of how I’ve come so far to let go.

And I began fighting those thoughts. It has not been easy, changing my attitude, the part of me that wants comfort and is complacent does not like it at all. For example at work, even when something is so not totally in my job scope, I still help out. The difference now is I don’t grumble or complain. I made up my mind that whatever happens no one can steal my joy. Sometimes, things get ugly but I know the One who keeps me safe.

It takes a tremendous amount of faith to keep a promise even when it hurts, but I am so grateful for knowing God in my life. I can actually honestly say that I am a better person now than I ever was three or five years ago. In fact I endeavour to be a better person today than I was yesterday!

I am so thankful for the revelations that I have received these past months, the encounters,the breakthroughs, and the battles won. Too often, we think that victories should be big and very heavy, but as I was doing my quiet time the other day, my talk with God time, it was just impressed on me that

“Each baby step made in faith is a battle won for Christ”

 And yes, I really do need to stop comparing my walk with others! There’s so much I want to say, but I’ll leave it for the next time. We’ve reached the end of August and into the BER months, I hope this blog will not only record my everyday but also be a testimony of my growth in God.

 And yes, you guys are going to hear more about God stuff in this blog!

In His Hands

When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don’t throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer

- Corrie Ten Boom

ARTPIECE WEEK 2: WHEN WE’RE TOGETHER

And everything will fall down

like a house of cards

our faces on the ground

i no longer know who you are

 

didn’t you say.

we’ll make it ok

we’ll make it ok

but will it work this time?

 

when a statement of faith

becomes questioned.

and the life that we know

is no longer in existence

 

didn’t you say

you’ll make it ok

i’ll make it ok

but we’ve been betrayed

 

and we can point the finger

wonder where we went wrong

yet at night we’re certain

on whose side we belong

 

i’ll still say

i’ll make it ok…with you

you’ll make it ok…with me

through the fire, we’re refined

This is my artpiece for week 2. Let’s pause and think that this is a big step considering I rarely follow through with my list of to-do’s. Anyway my birthday has come and gone, I shall post the pictures soon.

Currently, waiting for the L’Oreal mask to set. Actually, my mom made me slather it on. Hope to blog soon, and as much as possible, but as Tigger says, TTFN!

 

image creds: Together by *larafairie

Look To You

We (the dad, the sis, the bro and moi) watched Apocalypto (Ok, I only watched the first ten minutes or so, and asked my sister to relay the whole story minus graphic details to me), and War of the Worlds yesterday. And I just had a WHAPAK moment (defined as a spiritual epiphany in the most unexpected moment).

You may be wondering why a movie of savages involved in heart sacrifice and a sci-fi movie adaptation of an HG Wells novel are the starting points of my post. See, at the start of the year I asked God for a specific word for my life, like a 2007 Theme and I distinctly sense the phrase Look to Me.

That no matter what happens, I should set my eyes upon Christ. So that’s quite a WHOA! moment for me. What could this year possibly hold that such a word will be given to me? I thought that maybe God would want me to prioritize Him more in my life. But watching those two movies last night, there was one specific scene so alike in most aspects that spoke to me.

Apocalypto

• - When the Mayans attacked Jaguar Paw’s settlement, Jaguar Paw took his wife and son and led them down a narrow crevice for safety. His wife was very afraid as she grabbed on to the rope/vine, but Jaguar Paw said something like “Do not be afraid, just look into my eyes”. And she kept saying that she was scared and he made her look into his eyes, you can see once she locked her eyes on him, trust grew withing her, she obeyed her husband  and took refuge in that cold, dark place.

War of the Worlds

• - When Tom Cruise wanted to move his children from their mother’s house to their grandparents’ house in Boston to flee from the aliens, he didn’t want to see Dakota Fanning’s character, Rachel , the aftermath of the alien’s carnage, so he asked her to “look into Daddy’s eyes”. He carried her from the house to their car, all the while making sure she was not aware of what lay around her. As long as she looked at her father’s eyes, everything was well, there was no fear. Once she looked away, she lost her security and started shrieking.

So it got me thinking about the whole Looking To Him thing. Oh yeah, I just received a text message from Sandy,

“and God, elle can look to You and know that You r there for her always and forever”

So how timely is this message or what?

Anyway, looking to Him means

that everything fades into the background

nothing else matters at all

It’s not for His sake, it’s for my sake.

Because once I lose my focus on Him, I see

 the carnage,

 the waves,

the mountains,

 the dark skies looming,

and the hopelessness of my situation.

But if I lock my eyes on Him, don’t you get it EYES = VISION? I see His vision for my life, His will for me (plans to give me a future and a hope, as Jeremiah 29 says), and not EVERYTHING ELSE.

Well, I hope I made sense. But this is just one truth I cannot keep to myself!

My Love Affair With Lists, Poem in Progress and the Pains of Work

Waxing Creative

What a week it has been. And as my birthday draws near I am feeling a surge of emotions that sometimes bring a smile at other times make a thump, thump on my heart. A little bit of clarity is in order, and what better way than to create a sense of order from chaos than to indulge in one of my favorite habits, list-making.

Elle resolves to:

1. Exercise. Pilates once again.
2. Have at least one piece of art every week

-it can be a painting, collage, poem, song, story, OK so I was quite liberal in creating boundaries, but hey, my current lifestyle does not allow me the luxury of being creative!

3. Finish reading SOME of the books that are piling up on my to-read tray

- Faith, by Dr Phil Pringle

- Keys to Workplace Excellence, Dr. Robb Thompson

- The Heartache No One Sees, Sheila Walsh

- Screwtape Letters, CS Lewis

- Creative Journal Writing, Stephanie Dowrick

4. Find time to email and chat with my friends.

5. Write in my journal for at least three pages.

There, no matter how noble my list sounds, it’s not really possible for me! Take item number one, it’s not really easy to admit that my belly has been on the “pudgy” side lately. But I had a major problem with one piece of creative piece a week. So Monday came and went, Tuesday, Wednesday, squeeze as I try no creative juices flowed…I was getting nervous, I hated not being able to follow through my own resolutions and promises! So Thursday I was waiting for the train, and I thought about the verse in Ezekiel about God giving us a new heart and a new spirit, so far this is what I have come up with

bluish white

metal of a heart

malleable in Fire

Divine

through my skin,

penetrating my flesh-

striking my bones,

i speak out

i am not burned,

nor destroyed

the old constricting shell

melts away,

dross

rises up,

blown away

along w/ashen tears

never to re-appear

the birth

of a new heart

WORK RELATED STRESS

Some things are upsetting this week, like how I can cry out against injustice, but then again, Exodus 14:14, God will fight for me. Shout of thanks goes out to all the people who have wished me a happy birthday and blessed me with gifts!

Fear Not

 They say, throw your heart over the fence and your body will follow. I just said something I half-meant, because there was fear in my heart. But I really want to see progress in my life. Although as a child I was pretty good at sitting still, I think it’s high time to rock the boat (my boat, that is). But there’s a tugging feeling in my heart…I  think I’m quite yellow.

These past days, I’m flitting between my past journal entries this year (for 2007, I am already on my 3rd journal, I think I fill out journals quarterly!), and reading the spiritual books, including the Bible. This month of August I finished Dreamgirl by Mary Simpson, and I Could Sing of Your Love forever by Delirious? which have sparked the dying embers of my interests.

You know the feeling when you look at yourself in the mirror and you are not pleased at what you see? No, I am not talking about self-hate or self-loathing. It’s the feeling that you know you could be somewhere better today than yesterday. But the paradox is, the ME of yesterdays is more spunky and hopeful than the ME of today. Maybe (painful) experiences can really make you a cynic. Like, I don’t expect a lot from life so I won’t get disappointed, or it has always been this way for me, story of my life.

And once again I am reminded how choices are important in our life. Not just the it’s-a-matter-of-life-and-death decisions but even the small decisions count. I can choose to be emotional and stress out on a particular situation I find myself in OR I can change my attitude and look at how I can make this thing positive (Hah! I know, I am amazed at my maturity). Like how a change of perspective will help me cope with the pressures of work. It helps to see the BIG PICTURE that everyone must work as a team and not just look out for number one. And even if I am not so excited about extra responsibilities, I decided not to be RE-active but PRO-active. I refuse to let other people steal my joy. And besides, I pity the customer who is holding on the other line already perplexed and have a grumpy person answer the helpline.

So I choose not to fear the future. Even if the flow of my life is still in limbo, I would as Starfield’s song goes “Like a child I’ll take You at Your Word”.  I am a natural worrier  since birth (world hunger, ozone layer, animal extinction, sun burning out, dengue, you know, the works), and I just noticed that this week during my quiet times, I would suddenly “get” verses that addressed my worrywart issue, especially since everything about my life is unclear. Just like today, I woke up at 8:30 am, stretched a bit and took out Aiden and started to play songs. I decided to do this approach because I was moved by the testimony of the CGL last week about giving God the first part of your day. And I sang, not just the usual singing, but I prayed while I sang. I asked for a word that would see me through the day, I was so waiting and waiting, I waited, and I waited, I waited some more. Now, patience is not my strongest points, but I have set my heart on pursuing a more intimate relationship with Jesus, so I resisted the urge to give up and just pray my “grocery list, God give me this, God give me that” prayer. So I prayed, and waited.

Haven’t I commanded you? Strength! Courage! Don’t be timid; don’t get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take.

I flipped through my Bible and searched for the verse, I remembered singing the song, and I knew it was in Joshua. This may be uncertain times for me, where everything is more like clean slate and I wanted some action going on (Lights! Bells! Whistles! Magic!). God commands (it’s a commandment!) to have strength and courage, and really, if you are walking with God what is there to fear? It really touched my heart. Even a small request such as a timely word is never too insignificant for Him not to answer.

Once, at CG during worship, I sensed Him asking, ” Will you grasp My Hand even when it’s dark?”. Even if I am unsure, will I be able to trust in Him? Which is kinda funny because my life has been one thrill ride ever since the night I surrendered my life that December night. I have said goodbye to relationships, opportunities for upward mobility, and even parts of my self for Him. I have abandoned my life goals, my life vision for His cause. Like, hello, God? Where else can I go? But sometimes I become this stubborn little thing, kicking and screaming until I get my own way.

And now I’m back, not really stronger, not really courageous, I’m not a “perfect heart that has never been broken”. But I will be strong and take courage, not because of who I am but because of who I walk with. Not because I have it all together, but because I placed my all on the One who can keep me together.

I threw my heart over the fence, I made a bold statement, but it is a statement made with faith and prayer. So, let’s go!

catch yourself before you fall…

 

I need room to breathe. Room to expand, and I find this space quite claustrophobic. But, I must catch myself before I fall. A disciple is disciplined. And I am resolute in submitting my mind to a spiritual boot camp. Depressing thoughts go! Despair go!

I set my eyes on the prize.

Cantare de tu amor por siempre…

 

Lord, send me anywhere, only go with me
Lay any burden on me only sustain me
Sever any tie, save the tie that binds me to Thine heart,
Lord Jesus, my King, I consecrate my life Lord to Thee.
-David Livingstone

Vow Of Silence  

I want to have my voice back. For some reason, after the FOP, my vocal chords have taken a vow of silence. Any attempt I to make myself audible results in a “I-just-had-this-major-operation-and-this-is-the-side-effect-of-a-testosterone-overdose-with-a-Woodstock-festival-stint” (whew!). I want my voice back…desperately…

Festival Of Praise (Day 3) 

The 3rd day of FOP was even more awesome! Ok, I’ll admit, those two days of FOP contributed to my sore throat and voiceless-ness (I don’t think such a word exists). But for the record I had a sore throat since last thursday, to think that I could sing, much less scream…or maybe let out a thousand shrieks at the Singapore Indoor Stadium is in itself a miracle. 

One of my fave preachers, Dr. Phil Pringle, preached a sermon that I had heard on one of his podcasts before, Making Room for God, and even if I had heard it about three times already, it still strikes a chord with me. Because God’s Word is alive, and there is always something new about it, like how light is refracted in a different on a diamond’s many facets.  I was really blown away by a lot of things, and a lot has impressed my heart. But there is one thing that really meant a lot to me, how as Christians, we shouldn’t just be content with a visitation from God but a STAY-ation. That’s what making room for God is. Giving Him a place in our lives, not just on a certain day, but with every minute, every second…every breath.

I broke my NO BOOK BUYING pact again…I just HAD to buy the book released by Delirous?, I Could Sing of Your Love Forever  (this blog post title is the Spanish translation) In fact I had already finished it, it’s like only 20 chapters, where Martin Smith and Stu G write how the songs that we dearly loved were birthed out of. Plus some very random fact about the band, like, did you know that four of them are related to each other by marriage?! Haha, so funny, I think the drummer has 3 older sisters and one of them, Anna, is married to Martin Smith! It’s like a family affair!

BrainBath

Been thinking a lot lately. I guess it’s because I’ve gotten really serious in my reading and not just for the sake of saying that I read this so and so book by this so and so author. Plus, I have been listening to Dr. Ravi Zacharias’s sermons again. One of the people that he quotes a lot is a Russian author named, Alexander Solzhenitsyn. Thank you, Mary Simpson, author of Dreamgirl, the book I am currently reading for teaching me how to spell his name. And I find his musings very thought-provoking.  I am in the process of writing a poem, a little bit more serious than before, I think I have been influenced by what I hear and read these past days, and so I came up with this idea. At first I thought about how I feel most lonely when I’m part of a crowd, then it just evolved as any creative work will.  Once I think that the poem is “done” I’ll be able to post it, but I can post a snippet here:

Who keeps on cheering on

When the crowd has retreated from the stands?

Who knows the pain, as a dream crashes down

Carefully built with your own hands?

 

Festival of Praise (Day 2)

I am with you

I did not draw you near to Me,

only to turn My back on you.

This is not unto death…

Way Overdue Song and Some Random Photos

Dear you,
You know who you are, when I heard this song, it just struck me how it says what I  had always wanted to say to you. After all the things that happened. A six word sentence is unable to describe – the past…