This Guy’s In Love With You Dude

I just have to post this as this has two of my favourite things! Coffee Prince and Parokya ni Edgar . I know it’s so random , but Gong Yoo is so cute. Plus the song is so appropriate for the video.

Secret Conversations

This week started off on a good note, with a great sermon from Dr AR Bernard. I also talked with Juniper that night for almost two hours. We shared some laughs and the latest news. And I am still slamming my head over a wall over the news that my hunky, incredibly talented, super handsome, med student, KJL is …GAY! Tsk, tsk, why does it always happen to me? Why oh why?  Anyway, they are graduating soon, sigh, I wish I can be there, but yeah, next year maybe?

 Monday came and everything went downhill.

 And I really mean

 down…

down…

down…

downhill, my patience was tried and also my endurance. Stuff happens. Basically, bad stuff happens even to good people.

 And I find myself questioning if I am on the right track… OK even if I don’t know what that track is. If this is where I am supposed to be. Because I feel I am stifled and suffocated where I am right now. I try to keep things in perspective and to trust, to keep my joy…it’s very hard.

So the doubts came, and I was praying, praying really hard. I didn’t want to trigger any unnecessary emotional stress. But the tears fell and I had to console myself by writing a happy song (I say hey it’s ok, I’m gonna make it today…) which is a parody of  Katharine McPhee’s Over It.

I still prayed, asking for joy and a sense of peace that this is still worth it.

So today, something happened. No, the thorn in the flesh is still there, but my fears are allayed. Words which I needed to hear about my current circumstance were spoken and even if the fact of the thing which I need to bear is still there, I’m reminded that God is still in control of every detail of my life.

Today I also had a conversation with someone. And it was exactly what I needed. Sometimes the silver lining comes at very unexpected places. I have never really talked to him that much, and the circumstance by which we talked was very unusual that I believe  that God set-up. I don’t know what we were talking about but the conversation suddenly went to what my dream was. I have shared my dream with only a few people. Even fewer to the likes of him who is a figure of authority. Sometimes people just shoot your dreams down but most of the time they’ll just have a blank look on their faces, which I can read as a sign of temporary brain damage or  plain disinterest. Since I had brought myself to that point of conversation I might as well be honest. His response was very surprising and refreshing. In a way that I never heard anyone react like that. It renewed my sense of purpose. Even if it was a short conversation which shocked me halfway…gosh, I so want to tell you guys what happened! I really do, but I’m keeping it to myself.

But it’s all good now. Shhh….

“A secret between two is God’s secret, between three is all men’s”

image credits:

deviantart

{oh yeah some workplace photos}

Busy as a Bee

 

First of all, I just want to say that I really, really, really, really, super really want – no…covet (?) this gown:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I haven’t finished Ian McEwan’s book, nor have I watched the movie – but I’m sure that I will read and watch Atonement.

Ok as for watching I’ll just get the DVD once it is released here in Singapore. The gown is so awesome, I would have worn this for my senior prom! It is now known as that little green dress. And it was voted as one of the top 10 best film costume poll!

 

Anyway, I just realized that I am so gonna be super busy with my comms this month. And I haven’t even started on the packages! I think I will be going to PS to buy some stuff from Made With Love. Have to make a lot of cards and buy stuff to for D’s package which will be sent out on Feb 14 but before that a birthday package to Lasairiona. Grr….where has the time gone? Anyone want to go with me on Saturday for some paper shopping? Oh yeah, anyone want to join me to go to museums? Please, please? And anyone want to go out on a movie? I sound desperate .

 

So I will be posting every once in awhile, but the contest is still on. I have received a few emails and hope to hear from more people. And please follow the rules people! Only email and comment entries will be accepted! Thank you very much.

 

Have a great week ahead!

image credits:

Keira Knightley gown(1)

Keira Knightley gown(2)

 

 

Trying to Sing My Own Songs

I am not much of a singer. In fact I don’t really think I can sing.

But anyway I love to write a lot, and as I can also play a little guitar, I manage to sing songs. So in the spirit of embarrassing myself in cyberspace, you can listen to my song  on my especially made up account for embarrassing myself, CLICK HERE.

It’s ok if you don’t want to tell me what you think!

A Page From My 2006 Journal

CONTEST01/08: PIMP MY BLOG

EDIT: ALL COMMENTS ON THIS BLOG ARE SCREENED. ONCE ALL COMMENTS ARE IN AND AN ANNOUNCEMENT OF A WINNER IS MADE, COMMENTS WILL BE APPROVED ON THIS POST. THIS CONTEST IS OPEN TO ALL SINGAPORE RESIDENTS, EVEN IF YOU DON’T HAVE A BLOG (OR ARE NOT USING WORDPRESS), AND DOES NOT DEPEND ON THE FACT WHETHER I KNOW YOU PERSONALLY OR NOT. I LOVE MAKING NEW FRIENDS AND RECEIVING FRESH IDEAS. SO POST YOUR IDEAS NOW! WHO KNOWS? I MIGHT JUST LIKE YOUR IDEA. AND YOU CAN GET SOMETHING BACK FOR GIVING.

Hello! Hello!

My, January flies by so fast! A lot of things have happened this week, some sad ones, disgusting stuff (which I’ll tell you later) and some pretty fun ones.
SIDENOTE: Snail Mail Me

Received some love from Lasairiona, Laura and Cheri! Whoot Whoo! Sent out replies to Clare, Jennifer and Daniela. This is so FUN! FUN! FUN! I know I am HIGH.

PIMP MY BLOG: I’ll Email You, Please Email Me

Duh? Anyway, I know that some of you are just dying to read my posts on faith, poetry and others. So if you see that cute little button with my picture there you can choose to subscribe to this blog via email and you’ll get an update once I post any new entries! So you don’t need to check every now and then and see that I have once again succumbed to depression. You can choose what entry to read! It’s also a plus if you’ll subscribe to my feed.

And since I’m calling out for more readers to give me feedback on my return to writing personal poetry and artwork, tell me,

What would make you read my blog?

This year will be a lot more of experimentation for me, and exploration at all, I feel that this blog has been a watered down version of myself. Now that I had this revelation, I’m still unsure on what to do with it.

Since, YOU, dear readers are the ones who know my blogging strengths and weaknesses, I would definitely love to have your opinions! You can comment here or email me along with your home address as the most helpful suggestion will have a little something for the contribution (hint: It will allow you to read more books). Just make sure that your comments/email arrive before  February 10, 2008.

I will post the winner’s name and suggestion on this blog and also send a confirmation via email.

This is not a joke. So I’d appreciate honest observations and suggestions on improvement of content, there’s nothing much I can do about layout and design though.

Looking forward to hearing from you guys soon!

I Am A Christian and I Get Depressed

 

Since we’re on a sad note today:
 

You know how sometimes I get uber depressed and find nothing is really worth living for in my life. It may seem contradictory because I am a Christian, where I don’t just have a religion but a relationship. A relationship with the Most High God, in whom there is no lack. So what gives?

 

I do feel depressed at times, even more than most people. It’s not really an amusing situation, I have second by second battles, which involve my thoughts, every waking and dreaming moment of my life. I know the verses, I have confessed them, taking every thought captive, making it obedient to Christ, yet even when I think that all is well beneath the surface I am suddenly knocked down out of nowhere. Sometimes, I feel that I don’t have enough faith that I will have freedom (where the Spirit is there is liberty) over this. The feelings of attack and vulnerability and despair. The tears that I manage to sneak in my 24 hours facing people, appearing calm and collected. Trying to fight the urge to hurl myself down something tall or hurt myself, and I try to praise and I try to saturate myself with His Word, but I find it very hard to do. Everything is so heavy and dark, emo is not fun. Whoever painted emo as a way to be viewed as complex and deep by society has misled people.

 

Do you know how it feels like to think that your life will never amount to anything? That no one cares at all as your heart breaks silently, each day. And just when you thought that your heart has been completely pulverized there are still intact pieces left and the process repeats itself painfully each day? Do you know how it feels like to have flashbacks of what was and what could have been? Do you know how it feels like to give up everything that you have worked for, stood for, dreamt of and the only appreciation that you’ll ever get is from Someone whose very existence you sometimes doubt? Do you know what to say when people ask you why you’re crying when you really don’t know the reason? Do you know how foolish that feels? Do you know how painful it is when you look at old photographs of your smile and realize how seldom you see that smile now? Do you know how hard it is to be brave when all you want to do is walk away?

 

It won’t hurt as much if I were not a Christian. But I am and I ask myself why do I have to deal with these feelings when I am a Christian? Am I doing something wrong? Why is it when you follow God it hurts even more? I realize that over the years I have struggled in my walk with certain issues which I had been able to graduate from, abusive relationships, vices, and other stuff which I am happy to put behind me, still I am haunted by bouts of “D”.

 

 I wish I knew the reason why I feel this way sometimes, I look at my life and I know that this has by far my best season yet, I have grown in every aspect of my life, and I am blessed, I can’t find any logical reason why I would succumb to feelings of inadequacy and despair.

 

During these dark moments, I keep to myself. Partly because I think like a guy and my rationalization is like, “If you can help solve my problem if I talk to you then this conversation will be worth it”. I don’t see the sense of talking it out when I would just end up feeling as bad as when I started. Or I only talk with people who understand (gone through) what I am going through but I also don’t want to talk to people who feel like they have been tasked to save the world and have labelled me as Project Fix Her. At least I wouldn’t be judged as a nervous wreck or having an imbalance of chemicals on my brain. The last thing I need is for someone to pass judgment on me or worse feel better on account that my present state is far worse than hers/his. I remember I would just go to Camz and tell her “Sis, I cried again for no reason”. And we won’t dissect and analyze everything, she’d just acknowledge my feelings, hug me and tell me how insane she feels these episodes are, like me she conceals her tears from her family and friends. It may be abnormal for other people, but we have learned to mask ourselves and deal with our “D” in our own way. Because we look normal, we’re living a contened life and sudffering from “D” does meet with certain raised eyebrows in a society of saving faces.

 

And I find that in my lowest moments, the Psalms are a comfort to me. Once when I was depressed to the point of paralysis I began reciting Psalm 23 from memory because I couldn’t even open my Bible, the oppression was so strong I was on my bed begging for life. My poems of praise have been written with bitter tears and a broken heart. In these attacks I have deepened my dependence on God even more, I am not saying that God gave me D, what I’m saying is even if I have suffered from it, He was always there to encourage, strengthen and remind me of His goodness, His love and His purpose for my life. Also, knowing that I am susceptible to emotional circumstances to trigger the D I am aware of being forgiving to people and not harbour any bitterness or anger.

 

Last week my sister asked me about a song which I had recorded earlier, this is one of two songs which I had recorded with a guitar accompaniment. My sister was looking for the lyrics and I told her I did not know where I placed it since it was about four months ago when I first wrote it. Listening to the song on Wacky, it gave me the breakthrough that I prayed for and sent me crying last Sunday during the service. It softened my heart and stirrred a hunger for Him:

God who am I now?

Who have I become?

I promised to follow

run till the setting of the sun

But the road is lonely

I have my cross to bear,

but I’ll keep on running ’cause

Your love will take me there.

Show me who I am

‘Cause I don’t know me

I don’t know me anymore.

Tell me what to do

I am all for You,

All for You o Lord.

Heath Ledger is Dead

So I had my regular breakfast of Sausage McMuffin and coffee, opened my browser and I my eyes cannot believe what I’ve read. Heath Ledger dies at 28, the police had found sleeping pills on his bedside.

 

I wasn’t able to watch Brokeback Mountain, where my friends say he did an awesome job (which I’m really not quite sure what that means), but he fed my hormonal tendencies when I watched him as the cool, mysterious Patrick Verona on 10 Things I Hate About You.

 

This is just so sad. I mean, he’s only 28 years old, which is like five years my senior. I really believe he’s a good actor too. Mikee! I hope you’re not too devastated.

 

I was supposed to write something inspiring today. But I guess I have to put it off until I get over the shock.

Not Everything Has A Name

 

 

You had little boxes that you keep in your room

Stacked neatly, side by side, corner to corner,

A tower, one labelled box on top of the other.

 

And so you spent your days packing it all in

Your trophies, your wreaths and your medals

ribbons, newspaper clippings and ashen petals.

 

 

This is a work in progress, the title is based from the Aleksander Solzhenitsyn quote.

And as John Lennon wrote , “Words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup”. I sometimes think that maybe I’m having episodes of hypergraphia but I know that this is not the case. Whatever it is, I seem to want to write again and you will find evidence of it not in my blog but in my journal and letters to people.

Something occurred last week that has reinforced in me a great deal of hope and willingness to write again. I can be overwhelmed with a feeling of futility at doing something without an immediate promise of satisfaction or reward.Of course, sometimes the only way to get to good writing is to be able to let bad writing come out first.

My First Tritina ver 2.0

my heart unsoiled by bitter tears

only living, breathing for your smile

until of course the day you said goodbye.

and you took along with your goodbye

slowly sliding in an envelope, my slow tears

your creeping, condemning Cheshire Cat smile

my face has forgotten how to smile

my vocabulary only knows one word, goodbye

and the reality of how it brought me tears

so tears appear behind a smile’s goodbye

This is my edited Tritina, see if you can find the pattern even before reading this about link . Anyway, I am working hard on this writing everyday and making sure I am still in touch with myself.

This week just flew by ain’t it?

Oh, well.

And it sweeps by like the wind…

Yup, we are way into 2008 already, I can’t believe that 2007 has already passed!

 Today, our whole team was busy putting up Chinese New Year decorations. It was sooo fun, especially when I tried my hand at putting together the Chinese words on the wall! Haha…of course I couldn’t understand the Chinese characters so I got things mixed up.

 I was reading through Joanne’s Cleo mag and I saw …>Debbie! She once modelled for this hair product and there she was, on a full page! Cool!

 I texted her immediately and she didn’t know! I told her to buy as a memento.

Overall, I think I can stress myself at will . Shall write more soon!