A few days before the Asia Conference, I asked God to make it more than just a conference. More than just me sitting there listening to the speakers, more than just jumping along to the newest praise song, more than queuing for a long time, I wanted to have a fresh encounter.
First day of Asia Conference was promising, I tried to will myself to feel excited but I knew deep down I was thinking, not to expect too much – that way I won’t get disappointed. So I put on my happy-high mask and faced the world. I played the Human Bingo with much enthusiasm, helped foreign delegates find the rooms of their electives, talked with my cellgroup members, I was my “outside-world-usual” self.
I attended the Songwriting (my sister pushed me to go for her), and Coping with Depression electives. I was OK with everything, more than OK. Additional info for my Knowledge Bank. I was looking forward to God’s presence at Hall 8 during the night session.
Imagine my disappointment, after even queuing for almost an hour, we learned that Hall 8 was full and we had to go to Hall 10. I wasn’t really downcast, although I was sad I knew that I couldn’t really do anything about it.
Singing praise was a hard time for me, I was distracted without knowing why, I couldn’t focus on God. I willed myself to concentrate on what I was doing, but I couldn’t. When worship started I wanted to give up and move through the motions of worshipping. Singing Worshiping You, God began to speak to me, it’s sad that everytime I feel dry it’s always because of the same reason. And God keeps telling me the same things, I guess I haven’t learned the lesson well.
God prompted this thought in my heart, “Will you worship God because He is God?”. Was I worshipping God because He is God or was I worshiping Him because of:
… what He did in the Past?
…what I need for the Present?
…my fear of the Future?
It hit me cold, here I was lifting my hands higher than before, singing louder than before but was my heart right? The answer was a painful NO. I had to remove any hidden agenda that I had, He also dealt with me about my insecurities, how sometimes I feel that if I can just prove myself to the people around me, I can be valuable.
You don’t need to achieve SOMETHING to be SOMEONE.
He reminded me that He doesn’t play favourites and that right now, all He wants is for me to put Him first in my life. He knows my fears, my worries, my dreams, my heartaches, my failures, my visions, my sacrifices…He is well acquainted with it all. I should stop acting like God’s second-rate child, and believe that He’s love and grace will see me through. I felt His love overpower me and I began crying. By that time we were singing the God I Know, and as I knelt down with tears streaming down my face, I was at peace. The Holy Spirit just told me, to substitute my name instead of saying Church.
The Elle He knows righteous and holy
The Elle He knows faithful and true…
I have been very good at putting myself down lately, and God wanted to shake me back to His truth. That I am His child. The way He sees me is how I should see myself. Even before I was born He was thinking good thoughts of me, and that’s how I should think of myself.
I know I wasn’t supposed to blog this time, but I just felt that I needed to share this. I am excited for the upcoming days. Who knows? Maybe I can blog about Asia Conference everyday?
See ya!
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