“Cor te reducit. It means ‘the heart leads you back.’
It means no matter where you go after you leave this place
your heart will always lead you back here.
It means there’s always a place for you here.
And it means I’ll always be here for you, too.”

-The Lake of Dead languages by Carol Goodman

I am working on a story that came to me at an unusual place and time – at the lift going up to my place. This story is full of nostalgic melancholy, and I’m beginning to wonder if it has begun affecting my moods of late, plus the crazy weather of afternoon downpours has not only dampened my mood but also my body. Went to see the doctor yesterday, apparently I’m developing asthmatic cough, not a good sign, since none of us in the family have asthma.

Speaking of nostalgic melancholy, this feeling has been hanging over me like a cloud. It’s like I’m being haunted by something that I have neglected for so long. Do you ever get that feeling? That even if everything is all right there’s this tiny tugging at your heart that says you’ve forgot something? Or has the story completely taken over my life that I seem to find happy moments fleeting. If I don’t think of the story I don’t get wistful, when I’m working or with friends or watching TV (which is a rare occurence nowadays), being preoccupied with other things will provide a nice distraction. But when I’m about to go to sleep or when I’m unguarded, slam! It just hits me in waves. Maybe it’s time to face this unshakable gnawing at my heart head-on?

Now, it seems that I am drawn to everything with the nostalgic melancholy vibe. Like this beautiful song from Big Bang, which is a departure from their hiphop, club music. Koe Wo Kikasete (Let Me Hear Your Voice) speaks about having lost someone but still loving the person. Normally, my jaded, pragmatic self would scoff at these type of expressions but this song really touched my heart and the video is just beautiful too. You can listen to the whole song here.

Let me hear you voice
If we become more kind
We’ll be able to love each other
Don’t avert my eyes
Let me hear your voice
Let’s get over those entwined anxieties and loneliness
The feelings of this moment become our bond

Koe Wo Kikasete (Let Me Hear Your Voice)

translated lyrics source

I really don’t think I’m missing a person specifically, maybe I’m missing a place or a moment that meant a lot to me. Maybe I haven’t come around to letting it go. This is why I hate to feel so much sometimes, because when I do feel, I do so in overwhelming volumes. Does this  post make sense? If I commit to this story, a story of someone waiting for the person they love to come back to her, would this feeling go away? Am I asking questions that are too difficult to answer?

sigh

I’ll find out soon enough!