Things I Love Tuesday //01

 WHHHHEEE! FIRST TILT post for 2009!

♥  She wrote a Toma post here  last week and the verdict? – My sentiments exactly!

♥  PROVOCATIVE! Roxanne M Carter’s MFA thesis absolutely blew me away. If only I could be THAT creative!

 ♥ Imitation is the best form of flattery. I bought this cute notebook and I spent two hours just drawing this:

Yes, it’s cartoon-ish, it feels so good to be drawing again!

 ♥  Maybe I can be an extra at least…

  ♥  I wanna meet him and ask him if I know how to really smile.Check this cool TV series based on his research LIE TO ME.

  ♥ Moving in a new place has made me nostalgic about our old home:

 

 

I can’t believe it’s been almost three years since we left home. And this picture really makes me cry…OH CRAP, this was supposed to be a happy post!

I Need You To Know I’m Not Through The Night

 

Out here on the ledge
I’m not far away from stepping off
I’ve finally picked out my cloud
It’s the one over there
Surrounded by all that air

You reached out your hand
And said I understand
So why not come down

Well except for a few small bruises, cuts,and scars well i’m fine
Oh Well, Except for a few small bruises,cuts,and scars well i’m fine

Thank you for asking
I’m so glad we had this moment here
I know they think i’m crazy
But everything I am is everything I was taught to be

LISTEN: A FEW SMALL BRUISES, Maria Mena

- 121 million people worldwide suffer from depression. (The World Health Organization)
- Self-injury is also termed self-mutilation, self-harm, or self-abuse. It can be defined as the deliberate, repetitive, impulsive, non-lethal harming of one’s self, including but not limited to;

            1)cutting,

            2)burning,

            3)picking or interfering with wound healing,

            4)infecting oneself,

            5)punching/hitting self or objects,

            6)inserting objects in to skin,

            7)bruising or breaking bones, and

            8)some forms of hair pulling.

- Suicides globally by age are as follows: 55% are aged between 15 to 44 years and 45% are aged 45 years and over.

 

 

Credits:

Quick Facts

Image

PERSEVERANCE

This post is based from one of the CG sermons – The Four Common Tests in Life. I was really impacted by this sermon, and I’d like to share some thoughts on Perseverance.

image via WeHeartIt

QUOTE

“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan “press on” has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race”- Calvin Coolidge

 WATCH

I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved

PERSEVERANCE + HUMOR IN ACTION

A page from John Wesley’s Diary reads as follows:

Sunday Morning, May 5, preached in St. Ann’s, was asked not to come back anymore.

Sunday Afternoon, May 5, preached at St. John’s, deacons said, “Get out and stay out.”

 Sunday Morning, May 12, preached at St. Jude’s, can’t go back there either.

 Sunday Afternoon, May 12, preached at St. George’s, kicked out again.

Sunday Morning, May 19, preached at St. Somebody Else’s, deacons called special meeting and said I couldn’t return.

Sunday Afternoon, May 19, preached on the street, kicked off the street.

Sunday Morning, May 26, preached in meadow, chased out of meadow as a bull was turned loose during the services.

Sunday Morning, June 2, preached out at the edge of town, kicked off the highway.

Sunday Afternoon, June 2, afternoon service, preached in a pasture, 10,000 people came to hear me.

READ: 11 Ways to Raise Your Perseverance Quotient

VERSE: I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency – Philippians 4:13

 

FOUND: SADNESS

 

 

“Nobody deserves your tears, but whoever deserves them will not make you cry.”

- Gabriel Garcia Marquez

 

*CUT*

For the first time in months, I felt together. Sharp. In hurting myself, I had at last found a way to release the pressure.
       But it was more than that. I was now different. I felt different. I’d discovered a way to control my feelings. Just because self-mutilation wasn’t deemed an acceptable coping mechanism didn’t mean I was going to stop doing it. –Victoria Leatham, Bloodletting: A Memoir of Secrets, Self-Harm, and Survival

I can’t say that I haven’t been there before, the urge to just make it all stop. There were times when I felt that cutting or hurting myself will release the pain that was inside me, gnawing at me from the inside out. Thankfully, God helped me to deal with the self-destructive inclination. And I never got to the point of actually cutting myself. But that is another post altogether.

If you couldn’t care less,

the least you could do is not judge,

You can shut your eyes

and pretend it’s not there

But you’ll see the blood everywhere.

 

 

Learn more about what you can do here. Join the movement here.

(truth in poetry)

 

 

Sometimes I come crashing down inside myself
without anyone noticing. I’m like an ambulance
on two legs, hauling the patient
inside me to last Aid
with the wailing cry of a siren
and people think it’s ordinary speech.

— Yehuda Amichai

The reason why I like poems a lot, is because they have the greatest impact for such a condensed form. How many times have I read a poem and nodded in agreement with the emotions that they convey.

And no, I am not suffering from D at all right now, but I do remember the feeling.

Bleeding Words

 

I gather bleeding words as a shroud

tight against my brittle skin

as glass tears drop and

fall into tiny stars

sprawling on a darkened universe

Finding Solace in My God

It is no secret that in recent months I gave been in and out of relatively low emotional states. I seriously considered that maybe, I came ill-equipped for this new chapter in my life. The increasing bouts I have with depression has sometimes found me in tears.

Recently I have even found myself creeping under my bed, tears streaming down my face, begging God to kill me right then and there. Everything was too much. I reasoned out that if I were dead I would not disappoint myself for how crummy I’ve been doing lately and most of all I would not be too much of a disappointment to God Himself. It would spare both of us the agony, I thought to myself. I was in essence quitting on my life. “Just to take me home, Lord”, I pleaded.

Some people would dismiss this as a pathetic emotional outburst, most would ask me why I did not call for help. In response to the latter, everyone has their own issues to deal with, people have a tough time sorting themselves out, why should I agitate them with more emo baggage? I would admit that I too, would think of myself as pathetic. If I were a casual observer I’d probably tell myself, ” Just pick yourself up. You gotta be strong, don’t let your emotions get a hold of you”. Easier said than done.

Now please do not accuse me of not trying to curb these feelings. In reality it had to come to a point where warding off these negative thoughts became physically taxing. I tried to preoccupy my mind with activities that will distract me from hosting a pity party with “it’s my party and I can cry if i want to” theme. I would spontaneously burst forth in song just to keep my mind off of the unwanted, depressing thoughts that seek to wreak havoc on my psyche.

As I was having my quiet time a few nights ago, I asked God to strengthen me with His Word-as Leslie Ludy would say it the TRUTH SERUM. Truth banishes fear, ignorance, and inaction. I asked God to minister to me regarding my roller coaster emotions.

He walked where I walked, He stood where I stand

He felt what I feel, He understands

He knows my frailty, Shared my humanity

Tempted in every way, Yet without sin

God with us, so close to us

God with us, Emmanuel

In Isaiah it is written that God is with us, our Emmanuel. As I was reminded of this song from Don Moen, I realized that God was with me even when I felt alone and that no one cared (enough to intervene).

Then, a thought was planted in my mind, I quickly took my Bible and prayerfully asked the Lord to lead me to His word and confirm the idea that came to me. I came to the end of the book o f Hebrews, after skimming the most part of the New Testament, two words caught my eye “High Priest”, and I knew I was in the right track. My fingers led me to Hebrews 4: 15

For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with

our weakness, but was in all points tempted as we are yet without

sin.

I was greatly comforted, Jesus cares! Reading a bit further, I understood that He was not letting me go through this alone, He understands me! I need not feel foolish or shameful.

He felt the things I have been feeling. Not only that, but He had been ridiculed, rejected, spat on and tortured. He became man, then He could relate to me. He did not demand His rights nor stressed who he was. His identity as Son of God was questioned by some, He was mocked and yet He remained sinless. Jesus knew His purpose and because of that sin and negative thoughts did not enter and pollute His life. He overcame this things. Which is great news for me! I am not only assured that Jesus knows what I am going through, but the Bible also says that He’ll help me with the issues I face and emerge more like Him. The Message Bible says it this way:

Now that we know what we have- Jesus, this great High Priest with

ready access to God-let’s not let it slip through our fingers. We do not

have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He’s been through

weakness and testing, experienced it all- all but the sin. So let’s walk

right up to Him and get what He is so ready to give. Take the mercy,

accept the help.

Hebrew 4:14-16

The Storm that Wages Inside: My Battle with Depression

Depression isn’t something to be proud of especially if you profess yourself to be a Christian. I mean, it really would not make sense at all, how can it be? When Christ has entered your life, you should be free, right?

And it was so embarrassing for me everytime I would spiral into my depression and my friends would be there to see me break down, it won’t make me an effective witness for Christ right?

And though I have tried so many times to hide what I have been feeling, by repressing it, it gets bottled up insided, each incident piling over one another, until the pressure became so enormous that I would get ticked off even by the most trivial thing.

The previous months are no exception to the loneliness and helplessness that I feel. In fact, I guess I was so stressed with everything, with leaving all I know and all I love behind that I plunged into an even more depressed state. I would become so good at masking my feelings that I would cry every night to sleep without anyone noticing, not even my sister who sleeps beside me. I would cry and have morbid thoughts that Dorothy Parker’s poem kept running through my head

razors are sharp

rivers are damp

acids stain you

and drugs cause cramp

guns aren’t lawful

nooses give

gas smells awful

you might as well live

And try as I may to guard my mind, I felt so powerless, and it did not help at all that I found it difficult to make friends here. I just felt like asking God to take my life away, because I couldn’t bear the emotions that I was feeling, I wanted to run away…and I know that if you read my entries for the past three months you’d notice the incredible mood swings,you’d be more shocked if you came upon my real journal…

I know that suicide is a sin, who am I to impose on God? To blatantly reject God’s gift of life to me, now that I know that He loved me enough to send His Son to die for me. And yet I felt it was the easiest way, it came to a point that in July I was actually begging God to finish me off…Please God, pull the plug…

July 28, 2006, the night when we had a combined cell group, I was so down, and it did not help that my brother was giving me the silent treatment, I felt so alone and so unwanted that I actually cried during the cell group (it was a good thing that we were worshipping God then, so nobody really noticed). After the cell group I excused myself because I was hurting so much, fighting the tears became PHYSICALLY impossible. When I was at the bus stop I kept muttering, “God help me” over and over…I was weeping during the whole bus ride to the Bus Interchange.

When I took the next bus home, I was a little bit sober already, but then the tears suddenly crept up, I decided to preoccupy myself so that I’d distract myself. I took out my pen and notebook and the words just started to flow:

I feel so crappy Lord

if there was such a word,

my life is crumbling down

slowly swallowed by the world

i’m scared half to death

in fact dying’s an attractive choice

i’m straining my ears so hard to hear

Your still, reassuring voice

i try to think of Your word

and pray it comforts me

but even when i take a breath

the air is suffocating me

those around me have no clue

of the battle that wages inside

or how the tears slip unnoticed

because i’ve smiled so wide…

It was then that I stopped and silently said a prayer ,” Dear God, please show me what to do, I need to know You’re here”. And I have never even expected that God will come through so tangibly, because what happened next has never happened to me.As those words cried out from my heart, I looked out at the window, it was way past 9 o’ clock, the roads were dimly lit by street lights, and at that instant as the bus drove over a turn, there was a sign, illuminated brightly by a street lamp, “STAY ON TRACK”. And it just broke forth through the dark clouds of my spirit and I felt that God had spoken through that sign, all those times that I have passed by that road, it was only that night that I saw it. And I was comforted. Just when I was ready to throw in the towel and take matters into my own hand and forsake my faith, God came through for me.

That Sunday, I was delivered.And for the first time there weren’t many voices inside my head, and yes, I sometimes feel the searing pain in my heart and feel lonely especially when I am with the crowd, quite funny right? I have never felt lonely when I am alone, I feel lonely when I am with others. But it just leads me back to Jesus’s feet, and I remember His word that says that He’ll never leave me nor forsake me.

DABDA…Depression

hey, did ya know that MILO VENTIMIGLIA is in the soon to be filmed/released ROCKY movie…haha…

i have been bitten by the homesickness bug big time!

i miss everyone…being surrounded by “friends” here well, just seem surreal…i don’t know if i could ever make a connection, and it’s dreadfully embarrassing to admit that at my age i still have difficulty “fitting in”…
i am definitely not a case study for Erik Erikson’s Life Stages…haha…

utang na loob!

what’s funny is i feel the loneliest when i’m with other people (Singaporeans)…sobraaa!
but you can’t blame them…
but can you blame me?
minsan naisip ko na lang na ok lang ‘to…sooner or later there’d be a breakthrough…
but as of now i find myself, always running to and falling down at the feet of my Saviour.